A whimsical vision of the future
As you well know, in Beartaria, babies are not brought by stork, but by eagle. And not your average Buick driving, bald eagle. Oh no, we use only the most professional and regal Golden Eagles, like the Marahute (Marr-ah-HOO-tee) from that movie long long ago, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ With the frequency and volume of babies arriving in our great nation, we rely on the extra wing span and quick turnaround times of a ‘Model BT1 Goldie’.
For the new ‘Beartarian Parents to Be’ this will be a guide of sorts that will prepare you for your first ‘Bear Drop.’ So grab another Proper CuppaCoffee (™), sink your toes into that cool green orchard grass, and read on.
Firstly, let’s put to rest the fears common to all new parents. Your baby will of course be fitted with proper eye protection, as our eagle fleets are exceedingly fast and dust can be quite an eye irritant. A helmet, however, is not necessary. You see, helmets only add unnecessary weight to what is sure to be an already very heavy cranium due to the above average brain size in Beartarian children. Instead, the young Parapoopers will be released in miniature Bearship Bassinets™ outfitted with our #1 safety rated and well insulated memory foam. Our babies are notoriously hungry, and they’ll be well kept due to our patented ‘Goat Milk Snack Bar®,’ providing the highest quality in nourishment, serving fresh milk at exactly 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit for optimum absorption. So fear not, your youngen will arrive warm, refreshed, and slightly electrically charged from an exhilarating trip through the upper atmosphere with a 70% higher electrical energy potential (so be sure to only touch the bassinet after it has landed and grounded itself, or you may experience quite a shock).
As far as when you can expect your new arrival, that is all handled via the esteemed United States Post Office. Fathers will receive a handcrafted wooden box in the mail approximately 1 week prior to the expected delivery date. Inside this box will be a carved maple pipe, a healthy amount of aged Virginian pipe tobacco, a precise german crafted digital timepiece with a PPS (plane positioning system) locator beacon which your assigned eagle will hone in on. This digital timepiece will also be installed with the Weiss ‘Flat Earth Sun Moon and Zodiac Clock App’ with a special parenting basics play list including exclusive works such as “Bach Baby in 432hz: What Mozart Babies WISH they knew about Classical Music” and “Flat Packing an Antarctic Expedition Size Diaper Bag in an Ordinary Size Backpack”. Thanks in advance, Dave.
So keep that watch handy and you’ll be well prepared and well informed for when your baby bunting arrives.
I’m sure you’re wondering ‘hey when do I know what gender my baby will be?’
You of course can seek a qualified technician in the aged method of “Sonogram” if you so choose. This is an outdated procedure but some of the younger “Billenials” have acquired a certain nostalgia for such a thing, and that’s just fine, for some people.
For others, simplicity is best and your newly parachuted papoose will rain down either blue or pink colored sand as they arrive. The same goes for twins and above, with each baby carriage descending amidst its own cloud of either pink or blue. We don’t generally worry about advance notice, since the gender surprise is useful in keeping parents flexible and on their toes. Obviously this ability to stay limber without losing mental fortitude is one skill that will be built over generations. There are many bears from very old parts of the world that will doubtless have some refined methods of gender determination. If your curiosity cannot be contained, I encourage you to seek them out.
Now that the safety and logistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the business of announcing the arrival of your beautiful sky gem.
The list of elements that are befitting an announcement of this magnitude in this mighty kingdom is quite large and will by no means be fully enumerated below, but for the items we do list out, these should be readily available at any of your local ‘Beartarian Battlefield and Festive Crafts’ store. For any items or events that exceed your store’s capacity, inquire to your local Bard Adjunct and he shall assign the correct person/s to help you track down the proper arrangements. Congratulations and may your children multiply and your land bear fruit in great abundance.
Accoutrements For Announcing A Beartarian New Arrival
1) Trumpets (can include horns and bugles)
A long standing favorite is the Sir Coddington Signature series “Annuncerary Horn of Salutations” A fine piece to be sure. This can also be rented but I suggest you allow for at least 7 months advance notice as it is in high demand.
2) Goat skin or papyrus delivery announcement cards.
These announcement cards regardless of what they’re printed on are a mainstay of many forms of announcements and communications across the land. Goatskin is a particularly memorable form of keepsake for a first born child, which is why it was specifically listed.
Note: If you are unable to obtain adequate amounts of goat skin because of the ongoing goat skin shortage due to the increased demand for Castalia limited edition hardback books, any supple leather product will do. I’ve even heard tell of a manufacturer who uses chicken skin from the finest meat and aged laying fowl leather. An unusual choice, to be sure, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see how elegant such an abundant bird can become. Ostrich is quite classy but somewhat difficult to source north of the New Mexican State of Texas. I am admittedly biased to Yak skin since I do run Battle Yaks Inc. and supply many yak leather outfitters from eastern Kentucky to the edge of the burned out wasteland once called “The Company of Saint Francis” or “San Francisco” in the olden tongue.
Caution: Sometimes the Failed State regions surrounding us get quite finicky when flames are bursting in the skies without ample warning. And no wonder since they “accidentally” incinerated most of their entire former land holdings many years ago. The Beartarian Forestry and Wildlife Flourishment Enterprise is doing an outstanding job providing ample rainfall wherever and whenever its needed. They will gladly arrange the watering of the surrounding fields before your conflagatory libation and provide the aforementioned warning to the surrounding areas ahead of the engagement.
Note: We encourage all birth announcements to utilize fireworks, as The Beartarian Nation has signed a temporary exclusive treaty with the Chinese People’s Nation for artillery level fireworks (and we intend to get our money’s worth). Part of the signed agreement is that we require the manufacturer to include 100 Chinese citizens to dress in WW2 era military garb and march past the Infowars Headquarters in Austin, TX no less than 6 times. They have added that if we purchase any order over 1metric ton, they will fly a Bear banner and sing the Chinese national anthem quite loudly while they march. Our Bard King has declared this to be a suitable exchange.
4) Russian Children’s Angelic Choir
Best experienced in the Beartarian Grand Cathedral, (which touts near perfect acoustics and precisely tuned Vibroluminescent crystal columns) this gift to humanity has brought some of the greatest moments of joy to the realm and was center stage at our famed Bard King’s coronation. If you’re not able to host an event at the Grand Cathedral, these choral savants love touring the land and performing at many a feast and celebration.
Note: Appearances can be arranged for 50 lbs of grain seed and 12 gallons of raw goats milk. Quite expensive, indeed, but I assure you it is worth every ounce of the goat leche.
5) Assorted baked treats
Available in various shapes and sizes, see the local Beartarian Baker and ask for their current special on baked goods. We offer no promo codes, as tempting as it is to jest, but simply let them know of your expectant condition and you will be blessed with a good variety at “special occasion pricing.” Trades are often made as well, many a family will gladly trade the Goat Milk Snack Bar® from the new arrival’s carriage, which is intended to be reusable and makes keeping and pouring milk into batches of cookies easy and efficient without taking up space in the refrigerators.
6) The Great Feast:
This is a legendary Beartarian tradition. Especially with the announcement of a child to be delivered, the bears will coordinate and gather with food brought from the corners of Beartarian lands. Tables will overflow with abundance and much music, dancing, and merriment is to be had. Our many food shoppes and meat providers love working together to arrange the feast for your community. Musicians come of their own accord, and if he is free and able to join us, the Bard King will bless the evening with a grand piano melody or two.
7) Pigeons or Doves
One fine way of announcing the arrival of a young legend or legendess is to release pigeons from the high towers of your local castle. Your local Bard Adjunct will gladly make all necessary arrangements and coordinate the young lads who will run and round up your pigeons and doves and ready them for the occasion. Once again, the trumpet is a popular finishing touch for such occasion, and might I suggest a good chiming of the church bells as well?
8) Bearship Tour de Force
One of my favorite traditions no matter the occasion is the Bearships Tour de Force. This is where those who have a Bearship will parade through the skies with great fanfare and delight letting all the land know of your blessed fortune and excitement. This can continue late into the evening. If they are available, the Gravy Seals can be called upon to do a Nighttime Bearachute exercise where they use bioluminescent algae marked Bearachutes and create a vortex of light as they descend. It is quite memorable to witness, and many an engagement is begun on such an occasion, contributing to the vortex of life here in Beartaria. Engagement begets the arrival of babies which is cause of celebration and thus results in more marriage engagements. Our own circle of life.
Alas, I do get quite excited and my imagination runs to great lengths. It, however, should never be overlooked that a quiet, simple announcement to close friends and family surrounded by alpacas, goats, and good cheer is always welcome. In fact some of my most memorable times of celebration were in the early days when there wasn’t much more than a simple timber framed house on a sunny hill overlooking a field of alpacas and ducks. Many of us from those early days fondly remember sitting around a hand carved wooden table set literally in the middle of the woods with a handful of close friends celebrating a newly married couple’s good fortune. These simpler days will always be preserved in memory and practice. The Bears are constantly working together to come up with grand plans more legendary than the last. It has been my honor to log this step along our many years of crushing, and I wait with excitement and focused purpose for the next wonderful stage in our nation’s development. Since our inception, 6 million babies have been brought into this world. Here’s to 6 million more.
If you would like to share with our community a pregnancy/birth, wedding, or any other joyous event, submit your completed press release/announcement to email@example.com including any pictures you wish to have featured.Dedicated to all the parents, new and old.
Fall, a Great Time to Rise.
Fall, a Great Time to Rise
Not so long ago, a Beartarian Summer was something only whispered about on icy hunting trips in the upper slopes of the Rocky Mountains. Tales of the warm smoky days tempered by the cool clear nights would come and go, like a lingering glance back at the fun of summer before turning and firmly grasping the steaming chocolaty mug of winter. I am no meteorologist, nor will I claim to know what rocks allegedly striking unseen land in northern Siberia have to do with the weather, but what I do know is with the right attitude, any fall season can be made into a Beartarian Summer.
Volgadeutsch Bear’s Toast in Colorado, Ban Hammers by Nighthawk Bear, Zezzie Bear’s Sunset, New England Bears.
Just before the last of the summer heat falls away, while the squirrels check that they have enough nuts for the winter, cars stream into a small Colorado farm town. The backyard is lit with laughter and a 5,000 lumen work light and the young ones throw leaves in the air as pleased parents look on. New friendships are being forged around a fire pit and the hum of half a dozen enthusiastic conversations fills the air. This is the first Fall Harvest Party in our Rocky Mountain Unbearables group that I have attended. Judging by the prevalence of bare feet and the lack of jackets, the warmth was felt by all. Even the curious neighbors who stopped by were grinning ear to ear as we casually strolled from the garden to the back yard discussing what vegetables we would be planting in the spring. The energy was as close to perfect as it gets.
I lay all this out to say that the extra-seasonal warmth that a Beartarian Summer is known for doesn’t begin with the position of the sun or the relative changes in atmospheric pressure. It is not decided by the calendar nor the presence of a frost and the rebound into several weeks of summer heat (what the layperson calls an “Indian Summer”). In truth, a Beartarian Summer begins in the soul. It is the inner warmth radiating off the glow from the fire that is a man or a woman’s gratitude and generosity to their fellow man and, of course, their Creator. I have witnessed that warmth with each new face that enters our circle. We’ve faced some small and great challenges together already, and the spirit among us is strong and unbowed.
I long for the day when we will welcome to our gatherings at least 100 legendary men and women with bundles and bundles of children in tow, but it all begins with a dream. That dream isn’t just for my community, but for yours as well. I’m delighted to hear of more and more groups gathering more frequently all across the land. From my family, to yours we bless you with more truth, more health, and more real friends who speak encouragement and cheer one another on in even our smallest of triumphs.
As I watch a beet red sun rolling off into the distance behind a mountain, and see the moon climb the stars and poke through the clouds, I am reminded that this is our time to rise. We will not only survive the winter, we will put some cinnamon and nutmeg on top, light some candles, and use the time spent indoors to read Marcus Aurelius and plan a 10% more efficient garden with 50% more capacity. You know, just things absolute Crushers plan and do.
If you have any fall recipes, fun fall traditions, or anything else special you’d like to share, we’d love to hear about it. For events-related items, write to firstname.lastname@example.org Check out our Arts and Crafts page and share some great holiday crafts for children and adults alike. If you want to share some great ideas for harvesting fruit and vegetables in the fall, let us know. I for one would also love to see what you have as far as seasonal natural remedies to clear out all this smoke from my lungs. Thanks so much for reading. See you next time.
A Lakeside Prison Break
We rubbed our paws together, grabbled up our picnic baskets, conspired with our tribe, and enacted a tricky scheme to have our first ever Upstate NY sleuth up, in true New Yorker fashion.
A Sleuth-Up in Upstate New York
BY 12GAUGE BEAR
Perhaps no greater bellwether exists in America than the much groaned about state of New York. Despite the serpentine aspirations of the “Big Apple” there are many lands and many people that have little wish to be associated with the day-to-day machinations of the stereotypical ‘downstate lifestyle.’
The Empire State has always been a fitting moniker. When a city-state measuring only 468 square miles holds dominion over a region of 54,555 square miles what else might it be called? For those counting that’s not even 1% of the area of the state ruling over the rest and even more if you count the regions in New Jersey and New England that are dependent colonies of the regional superpower. Sounds like a familiar, more national, situation does it not?
The Great Escape
Though we live in a modern-day penal colony in the backwater of the coastal powers we nonetheless receive ample sunshine to bloom and grow. And that is just what a group of us ‘incarcerated’ Bears have been up to in this eastern frontier of the present and future Beartaria.
We rubbed our paws together, grabbled up our picnic baskets, conspired with our tribe, and enacted a tricky scheme to have our first ever Upstate NY sleuth up, in true New Yorker fashion. Say nothing else good for the state and how it is run but we sure do have some very nice State Parks. We gathered in the Finger Lakes, wine country, the equal or better than that of southern France. We convened along the lake shore on a day that could not have been more perfect for a late September afternoon during a fresh Indian Summer.
We packed up goodies and the usual picnic fare. Burgers from a steer that Easy E Bear had the pleasure of knowing, whose name was not Gary (although Gary is next). I prepared pasta salad in the manner I inherited from the mother of my life. The same also was contributed by Fire Marshal Bear, who forgot he was supposed to bring a garden salad and thus encroached upon my designated vittles. Big Igloo Bear brought some chili and Bavarde Bear packed a tasty apple pie for afters.
Accompanying all this were various ciders and lemonades that served as the cure for our parched lips that day. And we needed them dearly, for we neglected much of our victuals for the sake of heartfelt and relieving conversation.
Truly much food was leftover because we were all abuzz with delight finally having the chance to put face to name, and word to ear in a manner that we oft are not lavished with. The opportunity to speak freely in good company is a medicine not often found in our realm. I reckon it safe to say we smuggled out a mother-load of that edifying contraband that day.
Dragon Bear brought his lovely family and the kids got to work immediately crushing it on the nearby playground along with Fire Marshal Bear’s adorable and well-mannered young daughter. Bavarde Bear had in tow her bear adjacent (an NRA hatted father) who was by all accounts a based boomer, who ladled the day away talking gun and computer gravy with Big Igloo Bear and his partner from Buffalo. Bavarde Bear also lived up to her bear name (Bavarde is French for “Chatty” if I’m not mistaken). She engaged in much smiling conversation with us all when she wasn’t helping the kids pick the nicest crayon colors for their coloring book endeavors.
Poppin Fresh Bear made the trek from out Syracuse’s way and shared with me his excitement at purchasing his first shotgun, something I can of course appreciate greatly if you notice my nom d’bear. We also shared some welding experiences and maybe someday soon he can help me step up my non-existent fishing game. Bearicua joined us from Owego down in the foothills of the Southern Tier. He relayed to us some Army stories and the tale of how his family has been stuck trying to get back into the mainland from Puerto Rico because of Corona-Chan.
If not for the young ones in tow whose bedtime was nearing and the Great Electric Circle in the sky (the object of Red Pill Rooster’s obsession) hastening to make it beyond the horizon, we no doubt would have all stayed out much later. Such was the fun that no one else was blessed with having more of than us that evening. And so we ended the evening and packed it up. Already there are plans to have another Sleuth Up. The next shall be elsewhere in this big state of ours in order to include some bears who are in the solitary confinement wing of the state called New York City.
Despite the “leadership” of our state, it is a beautiful country. From lakes to mountains, from vineyards to dairies, we really have it all. For my part, this land is worth sticking it out for. My area used to be called the “Burned Over District” (because it was so engulfed by religious revival after religious revival) that it was all but ashes as far as converting new believers was concerned. In the future it may be “burned over” for other reasons, or maybe even the same flames of yesteryear stand a chance of reigniting in newfound fervent faith. Either way we plan on being the daisies that will be first to pop out of the embers. Onward, friends, to the place which we already belong. Onward to Beartaria.
Blessings and Smiles,
12ga Bear – Lou
P.S. Say “Hi” to us all at
If you have any stories, great or small you’d like to share, we’d love to hear them! Email them to email@example.com and make sure to let us know if there are going to be any future events you’d like to promote! Visit our Events page for more information
Tighten the Chinstrap on Your Party Hat
This article crushes too much for a description.
LaBEARday In The Rockies
Driving through the (mostly) unburnt forest of central Colorado, discussing whether or not Yak milk would make a good Latte, the truck was alight with laughter and music. This was to be a grand weekend, the best LaBEARday yet. The truck-bed was full of coolers stocked with ice, various marinated meats, cheeses, and cool beverages, which to be sure would add to the vehicle’s ability to grip the winding country roads making our way up, up the mountain.
Our Sleuth had rented a grand lodge on a hillside overlooking a sparsely populated ski town on the edge of Lake Granby. In the distance towards the west, it looked as if the top of a volcano had blown off the top of a mountain. Smoke billowed from the top as we pulled up to the cabin. However, not a doubt or fear entered our mind as we knew the smoke would not dampen our weekend of canoeing, hiking, and meals around a large table.
“Trust the Pan”
The idea for this weekend is credited, by all accounts, to the lady bears in our group. Spicy Sar Bear, Sarah Bear, Potters Garden Bear, and Zezzie Bear coordinated the lodging, and planned the meals. The men pitched in picking up the food, drinks, and accompanying necessities at various grocery stores. Some of the bears brought amazing vegetables from their gardens, and BearNaked Ben even made items crafted from braided 550 Paracord. The teamwork in putting this together was almost as epic as when Louis met Clark. We were a few short as not everyone in our crew was able to make it to this outing but I just want you to know that in your honor, I and everyone else ate an extra serving of Sarah Bear’s amazing “Trust the Pan” lasagna.
Upon arriving at the BearBNB, my daughter went to work cooking up a triple batch of sourdough pretzel bites which she had prepared earlier that morning. As she set the table, the Top Gun soundtrack blared from the overhead speakers. Claws were cracked open, and many hugs went around as everyone began to arrive. Cheers were cheered, and at over 8,200 ft above sea level I dare say our high fives were much higher than any other ‘fives’ on the continent that day.
Later on while seated around the fire, RiffinBear broke out the guitar and proceeded to throw pleasing sound grenades at our ear holes with some well known guitar riffs. The guitar is fast becoming a mainstay at many an Unbearables gathering. I too partook in the melodious festivity and tried my hand at the Indian Wood Flute while Blonde Genius Bear soothed us with the melodic Hand Pan.
‘Twas to be a full moon that evening, and not an owl was in sight. Not even a middle aged bulldog whose bark, worse than his bite”
More than half of all bear meetups have taken place on a full moon (I’m not verifying that claim) or “La Luna” as our Osos Españos prefer to say. It is rumored that this is due to the higher intelligence and resourcefulness common in our community. As you’re well aware, a full moon ads 50 lumens of ambient outdoor lighting which reduces the number of tiki torches needed to have an optimum book burning experience or an evening round of backyard golf. But I digress.
“Gravy was ladled, logos flowed like wine, and strong bonds were forged.”
By the end of the first evening together, one of our group had free climbed a ski lift (no doubt in search of honey or a bramble of blackberries), and my daughter and I had demonstrated on the gas stove how a boiling soda can of water can crush itself when thrown into an ice bath. Gravy was ladled, logos flowed like wine, and strong bonds were forged. So it goes on a typical weekend for the bears, literally sleuthing and crushing.
Besides canoeing and hiking to a waterfall, we hadn’t felt the need to schedule too many events. I of course had with me throwing knives, rope for knot tying classes, and a belt sander we could fix together if we got bored. None of these items got much attention however, because time flew as we just sat around the fireplace talking and laughing until the wee hours of the night.
The next day after a hearty breakfast and being spoiled with a goat milk latte prepared by Blonde Genius Bear, we were fully refreshed and looking forward to a hike in the cool mountain air. Tartan Bear had taken the time to reserve a couple canoes and kayaks. That was a great idea. And Twelth Hour Bear suggested we hike to a spring fed waterfall nearby. To be out of the city together with likeminded legends was well needed by all. I’d heard more than once that weekend, how many of us couldn’t imagine what they’d do with their time without a blessed group of loving individuals such as ours. I know many of you also feel the same way, and for those that haven’t experienced it yet, there couldn’t be a better time than now.
This is how it starts, the building of a strong nation. If you’re a crusher, if you’d like to build Bearships and design castles, Beartaria welcomes all crushers. Or even if you just want to grow the crops and milk the goats that feed the builders and the rock levitators, it’s time. It’s time to tighten down the chin strap on your party hat and pull on your work boots. So if you haven’t already, sign up at bearvibe.com, thegreatbeartrail.com, bearsaloon.com . From there, you can check out the Bear Maps and begin talking to others in your area.
If you have any stories, great or small you’d like to share, we’d love to hear them! Email them to firstname.lastname@example.org and make sure to let us know if there are going to be any future events you’d like to promote!Dedicated to the rocky mountain unbearables. Thank you for embracing me and being a blessing to my family with your kindness, love, and cheer.
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