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How to Announce a New Baby in Beartaria in the year 2120

An Events-Satire Crossover by Nighthawk Bear

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Beartaria

A whimsical vision of the future

As you well know, in Beartaria, babies are not brought by stork, but by eagle. And not your average Buick driving, bald eagle. Oh no, we use only the most professional and regal Golden Eagles, like the Marahute (Marr-ah-HOO-tee) from that movie long long ago, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ With the frequency and volume of babies arriving in our great nation, we rely on the extra wing span and quick turnaround times of a ‘Model BT1 Goldie’. 

For the new ‘Beartarian Parents to Be’ this will be a guide of sorts that will prepare you for your first ‘Bear Drop.’ So grab another Proper CuppaCoffee (™), sink your toes into that cool green orchard grass, and read on. 

Firstly, let’s put to rest the fears common to all new parents. Your baby will of course be fitted with proper eye protection, as our eagle fleets are exceedingly fast and dust can be quite an eye irritant. A helmet, however, is not necessary. You see, helmets only add unnecessary weight to what is sure to be an already very heavy cranium due to the above average brain size in Beartarian children. Instead, the young Parapoopers will be released in miniature Bearship Bassinets™ outfitted with our #1 safety rated and well insulated memory foam. Our babies are notoriously hungry, and they’ll be well kept due to our patented ‘Goat Milk Snack Bar®,’ providing the highest quality in nourishment, serving fresh milk at exactly 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit for optimum absorption. So fear not, your youngen will arrive warm, refreshed, and slightly electrically charged from an exhilarating trip through the upper atmosphere with a 70% higher electrical energy potential (so be sure to only touch the bassinet after it has landed and grounded itself, or you may experience quite a shock). 

As far as when you can expect your new arrival, that is all handled via the esteemed United States Post Office. Fathers will receive a handcrafted wooden box in the mail approximately 1 week prior to the expected delivery date. Inside this box will be a carved maple pipe, a healthy amount of aged Virginian pipe tobacco, a precise german crafted digital timepiece with a PPS (plane positioning system) locator beacon which your assigned eagle will hone in on. This digital timepiece will also be installed with the Weiss ‘Flat Earth Sun Moon and Zodiac Clock App’ with a special parenting basics play list including exclusive works such as “Bach Baby in 432hz: What Mozart Babies WISH they knew about Classical Music” and “Flat Packing an Antarctic Expedition Size Diaper Bag in an Ordinary Size Backpack”.  Thanks in advance, Dave. 

So keep that watch handy and you’ll be well prepared and well informed for when your baby bunting arrives.

I’m sure you’re wondering ‘hey when do I know what gender my baby will be?’ 

You of course can seek a qualified technician in the aged method of “Sonogram” if you so choose. This is an outdated procedure but some of the younger “Billenials” have acquired a certain nostalgia for such a thing, and that’s just fine, for some people.

For others, simplicity is best and your newly parachuted papoose will rain down either blue or pink colored sand as they arrive. The same goes for twins and above, with each baby carriage descending amidst its own cloud of either pink or blue. We don’t generally worry about advance notice, since the gender surprise is useful in keeping parents flexible and on their toes. Obviously this ability to stay limber without losing mental fortitude is one skill that will be built over generations. There are many bears from very old parts of the world that will doubtless have some refined methods of gender determination. If your curiosity cannot be contained, I encourage you to seek them out.

Now that the safety and logistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the business of announcing the arrival of your beautiful sky gem. 

The Announcement:

The list of elements that are befitting an announcement of this magnitude in this mighty kingdom is quite large and will by no means be fully enumerated below, but for the items we do list out, these should be readily available at any of your local ‘Beartarian Battlefield and Festive Crafts’ store. For any items or events that exceed your store’s capacity, inquire to your local Bard Adjunct and he shall assign the correct person/s to help you track down the proper arrangements. Congratulations and may your children multiply and your land bear fruit in great abundance.

Accoutrements For Announcing A Beartarian New Arrival

1) Trumpets (can include horns and bugles) 

A long standing favorite is the Sir Coddington Signature series “Annuncerary Horn of Salutations” A fine piece to be sure. This can also be rented but I suggest you allow for at least 7 months advance notice as it is in high demand.

2) Goat skin or papyrus delivery announcement cards. 

These announcement cards regardless of what they’re printed on are a mainstay of many forms of announcements and communications across the land. Goatskin is a particularly memorable form of keepsake for a first born child, which is why it was specifically listed. 

Note: If you are unable to obtain adequate amounts of goat skin because of the ongoing goat skin shortage due to the increased demand for Castalia limited edition hardback books, any supple leather product will do. I’ve even heard tell of a manufacturer who uses chicken skin from the finest meat and aged laying fowl leather. An unusual choice, to be sure, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see how elegant such an abundant bird can become. Ostrich is quite classy but somewhat difficult to source north of the New Mexican State of Texas. I am admittedly biased to Yak skin since I do run Battle Yaks Inc. and supply many yak leather outfitters from eastern Kentucky to the edge of the burned out wasteland once called “The Company of Saint Francis” or “San Francisco” in the olden tongue.

3) Fireworks. 

Caution: Sometimes the Failed State regions surrounding us get quite finicky when flames are bursting in the skies without ample warning. And no wonder since they “accidentally” incinerated most of their entire former land holdings many years ago. The Beartarian Forestry and Wildlife Flourishment Enterprise is doing an outstanding job providing ample rainfall wherever and whenever its needed. They will gladly arrange the watering of the surrounding fields before your conflagatory libation and provide the aforementioned warning to the surrounding areas ahead of the engagement. 

Note: We encourage all birth announcements to utilize fireworks, as The Beartarian Nation has signed a temporary exclusive treaty with the Chinese People’s Nation for artillery level fireworks (and we intend to get our money’s worth). Part of the signed agreement is that we require the manufacturer to include 100 Chinese citizens to dress in WW2 era military garb and march past the Infowars Headquarters in Austin, TX no less than 6 times. They have added that if we purchase any order over 1metric ton, they will fly a Bear banner and sing the Chinese national anthem quite loudly while they march. Our Bard King has declared this to be a suitable exchange. 

4) Russian Children’s Angelic Choir 

Best experienced in the Beartarian Grand Cathedral, (which touts near perfect acoustics and precisely tuned Vibroluminescent crystal columns) this gift to humanity has brought some of the greatest moments of joy to the realm and was center stage at our famed Bard King’s coronation. If you’re not able to host an event at the Grand Cathedral, these choral savants love touring the land and performing at many a feast and celebration. 

Note: Appearances can be arranged for 50 lbs of grain seed and 12 gallons of raw goats milk. Quite expensive, indeed, but I assure you it is worth every ounce of the goat leche. 

5) Assorted baked treats

Available in various shapes and sizes, see the local Beartarian Baker and ask for their current special on baked goods. We offer no promo codes, as tempting as it is to jest, but simply let them know of your expectant condition and you will be blessed with a good variety at “special occasion pricing.” Trades are often made as well, many a family will gladly trade the Goat Milk Snack Bar® from the new arrival’s carriage, which is intended to be reusable and makes keeping and pouring milk into batches of cookies easy and efficient without taking up space in the refrigerators.

6) The Great Feast:

This is a legendary Beartarian tradition. Especially with the announcement of a child to be delivered, the bears will coordinate and gather with food brought from the corners of Beartarian lands. Tables will overflow with abundance and much music, dancing, and merriment is to be had. Our many food shoppes and meat providers love working together to arrange the feast for your community. Musicians come of their own accord, and if he is free and able to join us, the Bard King will bless the evening with a grand piano melody or two.

7) Pigeons or Doves

One fine way of announcing the arrival of a young legend or legendess is to release pigeons from the high towers of your local castle. Your local Bard Adjunct will gladly make all necessary arrangements and coordinate the young lads who will run and round up your pigeons and doves and ready them for the occasion. Once again, the trumpet is a popular finishing touch for such occasion, and might I suggest a good chiming of the church bells as well?

8) Bearship Tour de Force

One of my favorite traditions no matter the occasion is the Bearships Tour de Force. This is where those who have a Bearship will parade through the skies with great fanfare and delight letting all the land know of your blessed fortune and excitement. This can continue late into the evening. If they are available, the Gravy Seals can be called upon to do a Nighttime Bearachute exercise where they use bioluminescent algae marked Bearachutes and create a vortex of light as they descend. It is quite memorable to witness, and many an engagement is begun on such an occasion, contributing to the vortex of life here in Beartaria. Engagement begets the arrival of babies which is cause of celebration and thus results in more marriage engagements. Our own circle of life.

Alas, I do get quite excited and my imagination runs to great lengths. It, however, should never be overlooked that a quiet, simple announcement to close friends and family surrounded by alpacas, goats, and good cheer is always welcome. In fact some of my most memorable times of celebration were in the early days when there wasn’t much more than a simple timber framed house on a sunny hill overlooking a field of alpacas and ducks. Many of us from those early days fondly remember sitting around a hand carved wooden table set literally in the middle of the woods with a handful of close friends celebrating a newly married couple’s good fortune. These simpler days will always be preserved in memory and practice. The Bears are constantly working together to come up with grand plans more legendary than the last. It has been my honor to log this step along our many years of crushing, and I wait with excitement and focused purpose for the next wonderful stage in our nation’s development. Since our inception, 6 million babies have been brought into this world. Here’s to 6 million more. 

If you would like to share with our community a pregnancy/birth, wedding, or any other joyous event, submit your completed press release/announcement to events@beartariatimes.com including any pictures you wish to have featured.

Dedicated to all the parents, new and old.

Events

Escaping The Chains of Debt: Recap

We express our gratitude to all who participated in last week’s community discussion. We had some valuable ideas and approaches discussed, and we are excited to see more members achieve the goal of becoming debt-free in 2024!

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Last week at the Beartaria Times Community App, we asked our members about getting out of debt. This sparked many to chime in with their own posts and start conversations in the comments section.

One member started the conversation by explaining how the different members of their household were all holding onto personal debt and not hiding it but not sharing the responsibility. They explained how, when it came to light, they all devised a plan to get each person out of debt together and how they could all make specific changes to get out of debt together.

Some of their recommendations focused on not always getting to eat the food they want but eating what they have or making sacrifices to their grocery list to meet the budget.

“We are eating from our pantry. We are using old emergency food storage. We are even using some of our old emergency food storage grains for our animals. They are loving it. It is working out.”

Another member gave a list of ways they see as the best practices for getting out of debt. Some of these include:

  • The main sources of high-interest debt that I’ve seen are student loans, car loans, and credit cards. Make a spreadsheet with your debt balances in one column and the APR in the second column. Make the third column the product of the first two. This will roughly give you the annual cost of each debt. You’ll form your plan of attack based on this.
  • It’s beating a dead horse but make a budget. Can be paper, but spreadsheets or other electronic solutions would be much better. Include cash! Log cash transactions as well as electronic so you get a full picture of an average month. Really dive in for at least 2-3 months on this to capture everything. Eliminate what you don’t need.
  • Deep dive your grocery bill. Figure out what categories you’re spending the most on. Consider buying those things in bulk from somewhere like Azure Standard. Often you can save quite a bit this way, and even get a better quality product for cheaper! You can make your own bread from their flour for about 1/3 of the store bread cost.

Lastly, another member shared how they could purchase land and build a home without debt. Although they are not entirely debt-free, they believe mortgages to be the most complex debt to get out of but mention that it isn’t impossible. They mention Dave Ramsey, a well-known anti-debt radio host who has helped countless people escape the chains of debt through his effective program that this member notes has detractors, as just about any plan or method in life will.

“…the program is all about living within your means, spending only cash, and only treating yourself when and if you’ve truly earned it. If you’re still in debt, you haven’t earned it.”

We express our gratitude to all who participated in last week’s community discussion. We had some valuable ideas and approaches discussed, and we are excited to see more members achieve the goal of becoming debt-free in 2024!

Read everything our members had to say at app.beartariatimes.com with some users posting under the hashtag #debtfree23.

Join our growing community and get in on the next conversation at app.beartariatimes.com or search Beartaria Times wherever you get your apps.

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Events

This Week On The Beartaria Times App: Escaping The Chains of Debt

We love seeing our community thriving and know that all those beautiful homesteads and lifestyles have a backbone of challenges conquered and struggles faced.

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This week on the Beartaria Times app, the theme is “escaping the chains of debt.”

On Wednesday, the 20th of December, at 6 pm PST, we encourage our community to share their stories and methods for getting out of debt and managing debt.

We’d love to see our community come together from all different angles and experiences on this topic — from intention, mindset, and motivation to the nitty-gritty details. Sharing your stories and experiences can help others in our community.

At The Beartaria Times, this theme holds significant importance for us. We recognize that unmanaged debt can burden individuals, making them feel trapped. Understanding this predicament can empower people to grow and thrive.

We love seeing our community thriving and know that all those beautiful homesteads and lifestyles have a backbone of challenges conquered and struggles faced.

As we delve into this topic, we invite participants to not only discuss success stories but also share the hurdles they encountered along the way. Whether it’s navigating unexpected expenses or discovering effective budgeting techniques, your insights contribute to the collective wisdom of our community.

Furthermore, this initiative aims to foster a supportive environment where individuals can exchange practical tips, tools, and resources. From budgeting apps to debt consolidation strategies, let’s empower each other in the journey toward financial well-being.

The Beartaria Times values the resilience of our community members. Your openness in discussing financial challenges helps break the stigma surrounding debt, reinforcing that it’s a shared experience.

Together, let’s turn this theme into a catalyst for positive change, lifting each other up as we navigate the path to financial freedom within the Beartaria community.

We hope to see you there!

Sincerely,

-The Beartaria Times

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Events

The Beartaria Times Community App introduces Weekly Community Activities.

This Wednesday at 6 pm PDT, we will host a Community App Activity similar to the reintroduction campaign we launched a couple months ago.

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Here at The Beartaria Times, we have been busy recalibrating since our Second Annual Beartaria Times National Festival. It has been a labor of love, and we were so happy to see you all there. We know we have been quiet in other aspects of the community, but we have been preparing behind the scenes to be more active on our website, BeartariaTimes.com, and to encourage community dialogue on our community app.

This Wednesday at 6 pm PDT, we will host a Community App Activity similar to the reintroduction campaign we launched a couple months ago. This time we will be asking all app users to join the discussion and let us know, “What are you most grateful for this week?”

This will mark the beginning of what we hope will be a weekly activity of prompts from the Beartaria Times Official account to provoke thought and encourage engagement with each other on the app. Along with community wide questions like we have this week we will also have activities focused on specific groups in the app along with prompts to encourage a “Fruitful Focus” on things that highlight the good, true and beautiful.

Onward.

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