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How to Announce a New Baby in Beartaria in the year 2120

An Events-Satire Crossover by Nighthawk Bear

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Beartaria

A whimsical vision of the future

As you well know, in Beartaria, babies are not brought by stork, but by eagle. And not your average Buick driving, bald eagle. Oh no, we use only the most professional and regal Golden Eagles, like the Marahute (Marr-ah-HOO-tee) from that movie long long ago, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ With the frequency and volume of babies arriving in our great nation, we rely on the extra wing span and quick turnaround times of a ‘Model BT1 Goldie’. 

For the new ‘Beartarian Parents to Be’ this will be a guide of sorts that will prepare you for your first ‘Bear Drop.’ So grab another Proper CuppaCoffee (™), sink your toes into that cool green orchard grass, and read on. 

Firstly, let’s put to rest the fears common to all new parents. Your baby will of course be fitted with proper eye protection, as our eagle fleets are exceedingly fast and dust can be quite an eye irritant. A helmet, however, is not necessary. You see, helmets only add unnecessary weight to what is sure to be an already very heavy cranium due to the above average brain size in Beartarian children. Instead, the young Parapoopers will be released in miniature Bearship Bassinets™ outfitted with our #1 safety rated and well insulated memory foam. Our babies are notoriously hungry, and they’ll be well kept due to our patented ‘Goat Milk Snack Bar®,’ providing the highest quality in nourishment, serving fresh milk at exactly 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit for optimum absorption. So fear not, your youngen will arrive warm, refreshed, and slightly electrically charged from an exhilarating trip through the upper atmosphere with a 70% higher electrical energy potential (so be sure to only touch the bassinet after it has landed and grounded itself, or you may experience quite a shock). 

As far as when you can expect your new arrival, that is all handled via the esteemed United States Post Office. Fathers will receive a handcrafted wooden box in the mail approximately 1 week prior to the expected delivery date. Inside this box will be a carved maple pipe, a healthy amount of aged Virginian pipe tobacco, a precise german crafted digital timepiece with a PPS (plane positioning system) locator beacon which your assigned eagle will hone in on. This digital timepiece will also be installed with the Weiss ‘Flat Earth Sun Moon and Zodiac Clock App’ with a special parenting basics play list including exclusive works such as “Bach Baby in 432hz: What Mozart Babies WISH they knew about Classical Music” and “Flat Packing an Antarctic Expedition Size Diaper Bag in an Ordinary Size Backpack”.  Thanks in advance, Dave. 

So keep that watch handy and you’ll be well prepared and well informed for when your baby bunting arrives.

I’m sure you’re wondering ‘hey when do I know what gender my baby will be?’ 

You of course can seek a qualified technician in the aged method of “Sonogram” if you so choose. This is an outdated procedure but some of the younger “Billenials” have acquired a certain nostalgia for such a thing, and that’s just fine, for some people.

For others, simplicity is best and your newly parachuted papoose will rain down either blue or pink colored sand as they arrive. The same goes for twins and above, with each baby carriage descending amidst its own cloud of either pink or blue. We don’t generally worry about advance notice, since the gender surprise is useful in keeping parents flexible and on their toes. Obviously this ability to stay limber without losing mental fortitude is one skill that will be built over generations. There are many bears from very old parts of the world that will doubtless have some refined methods of gender determination. If your curiosity cannot be contained, I encourage you to seek them out.

Now that the safety and logistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the business of announcing the arrival of your beautiful sky gem. 

The Announcement:

The list of elements that are befitting an announcement of this magnitude in this mighty kingdom is quite large and will by no means be fully enumerated below, but for the items we do list out, these should be readily available at any of your local ‘Beartarian Battlefield and Festive Crafts’ store. For any items or events that exceed your store’s capacity, inquire to your local Bard Adjunct and he shall assign the correct person/s to help you track down the proper arrangements. Congratulations and may your children multiply and your land bear fruit in great abundance.

Accoutrements For Announcing A Beartarian New Arrival

1) Trumpets (can include horns and bugles) 

A long standing favorite is the Sir Coddington Signature series “Annuncerary Horn of Salutations” A fine piece to be sure. This can also be rented but I suggest you allow for at least 7 months advance notice as it is in high demand.

2) Goat skin or papyrus delivery announcement cards. 

These announcement cards regardless of what they’re printed on are a mainstay of many forms of announcements and communications across the land. Goatskin is a particularly memorable form of keepsake for a first born child, which is why it was specifically listed. 

Note: If you are unable to obtain adequate amounts of goat skin because of the ongoing goat skin shortage due to the increased demand for Castalia limited edition hardback books, any supple leather product will do. I’ve even heard tell of a manufacturer who uses chicken skin from the finest meat and aged laying fowl leather. An unusual choice, to be sure, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see how elegant such an abundant bird can become. Ostrich is quite classy but somewhat difficult to source north of the New Mexican State of Texas. I am admittedly biased to Yak skin since I do run Battle Yaks Inc. and supply many yak leather outfitters from eastern Kentucky to the edge of the burned out wasteland once called “The Company of Saint Francis” or “San Francisco” in the olden tongue.

3) Fireworks. 

Caution: Sometimes the Failed State regions surrounding us get quite finicky when flames are bursting in the skies without ample warning. And no wonder since they “accidentally” incinerated most of their entire former land holdings many years ago. The Beartarian Forestry and Wildlife Flourishment Enterprise is doing an outstanding job providing ample rainfall wherever and whenever its needed. They will gladly arrange the watering of the surrounding fields before your conflagatory libation and provide the aforementioned warning to the surrounding areas ahead of the engagement. 

Note: We encourage all birth announcements to utilize fireworks, as The Beartarian Nation has signed a temporary exclusive treaty with the Chinese People’s Nation for artillery level fireworks (and we intend to get our money’s worth). Part of the signed agreement is that we require the manufacturer to include 100 Chinese citizens to dress in WW2 era military garb and march past the Infowars Headquarters in Austin, TX no less than 6 times. They have added that if we purchase any order over 1metric ton, they will fly a Bear banner and sing the Chinese national anthem quite loudly while they march. Our Bard King has declared this to be a suitable exchange. 

4) Russian Children’s Angelic Choir 

Best experienced in the Beartarian Grand Cathedral, (which touts near perfect acoustics and precisely tuned Vibroluminescent crystal columns) this gift to humanity has brought some of the greatest moments of joy to the realm and was center stage at our famed Bard King’s coronation. If you’re not able to host an event at the Grand Cathedral, these choral savants love touring the land and performing at many a feast and celebration. 

Note: Appearances can be arranged for 50 lbs of grain seed and 12 gallons of raw goats milk. Quite expensive, indeed, but I assure you it is worth every ounce of the goat leche. 

5) Assorted baked treats

Available in various shapes and sizes, see the local Beartarian Baker and ask for their current special on baked goods. We offer no promo codes, as tempting as it is to jest, but simply let them know of your expectant condition and you will be blessed with a good variety at “special occasion pricing.” Trades are often made as well, many a family will gladly trade the Goat Milk Snack Bar® from the new arrival’s carriage, which is intended to be reusable and makes keeping and pouring milk into batches of cookies easy and efficient without taking up space in the refrigerators.

6) The Great Feast:

This is a legendary Beartarian tradition. Especially with the announcement of a child to be delivered, the bears will coordinate and gather with food brought from the corners of Beartarian lands. Tables will overflow with abundance and much music, dancing, and merriment is to be had. Our many food shoppes and meat providers love working together to arrange the feast for your community. Musicians come of their own accord, and if he is free and able to join us, the Bard King will bless the evening with a grand piano melody or two.

7) Pigeons or Doves

One fine way of announcing the arrival of a young legend or legendess is to release pigeons from the high towers of your local castle. Your local Bard Adjunct will gladly make all necessary arrangements and coordinate the young lads who will run and round up your pigeons and doves and ready them for the occasion. Once again, the trumpet is a popular finishing touch for such occasion, and might I suggest a good chiming of the church bells as well?

8) Bearship Tour de Force

One of my favorite traditions no matter the occasion is the Bearships Tour de Force. This is where those who have a Bearship will parade through the skies with great fanfare and delight letting all the land know of your blessed fortune and excitement. This can continue late into the evening. If they are available, the Gravy Seals can be called upon to do a Nighttime Bearachute exercise where they use bioluminescent algae marked Bearachutes and create a vortex of light as they descend. It is quite memorable to witness, and many an engagement is begun on such an occasion, contributing to the vortex of life here in Beartaria. Engagement begets the arrival of babies which is cause of celebration and thus results in more marriage engagements. Our own circle of life.

Alas, I do get quite excited and my imagination runs to great lengths. It, however, should never be overlooked that a quiet, simple announcement to close friends and family surrounded by alpacas, goats, and good cheer is always welcome. In fact some of my most memorable times of celebration were in the early days when there wasn’t much more than a simple timber framed house on a sunny hill overlooking a field of alpacas and ducks. Many of us from those early days fondly remember sitting around a hand carved wooden table set literally in the middle of the woods with a handful of close friends celebrating a newly married couple’s good fortune. These simpler days will always be preserved in memory and practice. The Bears are constantly working together to come up with grand plans more legendary than the last. It has been my honor to log this step along our many years of crushing, and I wait with excitement and focused purpose for the next wonderful stage in our nation’s development. Since our inception, 6 million babies have been brought into this world. Here’s to 6 million more. 

If you would like to share with our community a pregnancy/birth, wedding, or any other joyous event, submit your completed press release/announcement to events@beartariatimes.com including any pictures you wish to have featured.

Dedicated to all the parents, new and old.

Events

The 2023 Beartaria Times National Festival Music Lineup Announced!

Musical Bears Dare To Crush!

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Musical Bears Dare To Crush

The first annual Beartaria Times National Festival was a musical success.

Remarkable, considering the Bears were entering uncharted territory. Bear Musicians came from all over the United States, each having studied the music remotely, putting on great shows, despite minimal rehearsals in person. Anchor Bear and many others blew away bears of all ages as the performers gave their all.

This year, the lineup is three times larger!

Bear Headliner 

Once again, Anchor Bear is the Headliner, bringing his bear-famous brand of soul and energy! Owen Benjamin enthusiastically chose to have Anchor take the stage after his Saturday night comedy special filming. Thanks to the fresh setlist, Bears will hear their favorite Anchor Bear songs, even if they might have to stay up a little later than usual!

Bear Legends

The rest of the musical lineup is spectacular. The Vox Day/Dark stream contingent is represented beautifully by our very own Cactus Eater Bear doing Booster Patrol songs in the unique Vox-inspired Punk-Metal/Shred/Boomer Rock style. Many other long-time Bears are featured doing bear-themed originals and some great covers. The schedule features Flo Cal Bear, Grungy Blues Bear, Copper Bear, Cano Bear, and yes, even Jackobat doing acoustic versions of his unique originals, to be joined later in his set by Guest Bear artists!

Bear Variety

The hits keep coming. Colorado’s Music Bear does a run of his Nature Soul/Alternative. Husband-wife Accordion/Guitar duo “A Couple of Yahoos” showcase their front porch Folk. Missouri Band “Simply Prodigal” brings their original Praise Rock, while Crrow777Radio Co-host/ Producer Jason Lindgren returns with this original Pink Floyd-inspired Rock set. 

Bear Wedding

History is being made this year; Wobbly Bear and Hometown Bear’s wedding is happening at the festival! The WobblyTown Wedding Band will play special music for the newlyweds on the main stage as the couple has their first dance and the Bears celebrate the happy couple. 

Bear Band

Backing many of these Allstar Bears is a world-class group, with Bandleader Telecaster Bear and Drummer Peacemaker Bear returning from last year. Featuring Atlanta Guitarist Anthony Cappolino, Bassist Sea Level Bear, Music Bear on various instruments, Drummer Hoodilidaddle Bear, plus Surprise Guests.  

Bears making music memories is a beautiful thing! Onward. 

Bear Roster:

Make sure to pick up your tickets at BeartariaTimes.Events!

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An Ozark Thanksgiving

We need each other, and we want to help each other because we’ve all committed to seeing this thing through, building an alternative community to the one of indentured servitude that we’ve been sold our entire lives. We have another important, foundational similarity that gives me chills. If you ask most Bears why they moved to the Ozarks, they’ll tell you that, like us, God called them here.

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By: Melissa Bunfill (@melissabeth on BTA)

In the third week of November 2021, sixty Bears and Cubs gathered together to celebrate the 1st Annual Ozark Bears Thanksgiving. After moving to the Ozarks only six months prior, our families were astounded that we were able to make so many friends in such a short amount of time. Our community here is incredible. I really believe that what we have created here is what Owen was dreaming of when he first came up with the concept of Beartaria. But I can’t begin to tell you about our community without first telling you how we got here.

2020 was an eye-opening year for everyone. We were blessed to already be doing small-scale homesteading on our almost 1.5 acres in the Northern California foothills. We already homeschooled our kids, ate real nourishing food, and avoided medical interventions. Through the experience of the cooties’ insanity, we began listening to the Big Bear’s streams. We became convinced that usury was a sin and became determined to get out of debt. At the same time, my husband unexpectedly quit his job of 14 years. He decided to take a month off to decompress and reassess. During that glorious time with him at home, we realized that we longed for him to be home more to help raise our young sons.

We dreamed of a life where he could work part-time. A life where I could bring him a sandwich as he worked on pasture fences or fixed sprinklers, and we could have un-rushed lunches together. We realized that these dreams were not possible in our “dream house” on the big hill, with the big mortgage to match. If we wanted him to be around more often, instead of working sixty hours a week to afford our fancy-pants life, we needed to move.

In the time between, he quit his job and he sold our house a few months later, God burned many bridges for us that made it easier for us to move. We’re thankful now for the painful lessons that made it clear that it was time to leave California and start a new life. Our house sold on the first weekend. We sold the majority of our belongings and loaded our family of five into our 5th wheel trailer. We had no jobs lined up and no home to move to. We set out with blind faith in the fact that God was speaking to us loudly, and we could not ignore it.

Over the next four months, we traveled to fourteen states. After spending six weeks in Arkansas, the state my husband thought he might like to call home, we headed north into Missouri. As we crossed the border, I sighed deeply. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could breathe. Missouri just FELT good. We had plans to meet family in Yellowstone and reluctantly left Missouri. Leaving Missouri, however, cemented the fact that it was the place for us. We all longed to return. At a miserable RV park in South Dakota, I told my husband that I just wanted to go home. “Where is home?” he asked. “Missouri,” I replied without hesitation.

After our visit to Yellowstone, we were so excited to finally be on our way home. We had connected with some Bears on the Missouri page of the Beartaria Times App who were hosting a meetup at their house on Memorial Day weekend. God tested our resolve, and in Colorado, our truck broke down, threatening our ability to make it to the meetup. However, two weeks and $10K later, we were back on the road with only three days left until the meetup. We made it to Salem, MO, and were greeted by ELOV8 Bear on his 140-acre homestead deep in an Ozark holler. On soft, rolling hills so lush that we could have been hundreds of miles into some jungle, we were welcomed with open arms as we met old friends for the first time.

All the men who would go on to form Ozark Legacy Contracting just five months later, my husband Bill, Mr.PermieBear, TylerBear, and GunniteBear, were all at that first meetup. It was a dream to have moved 2,000 miles across the country, knowing no one, yet walking into a ready-made community of based Bears.

By November of that year, we’d spent countless hours getting together with our Ozark Bear community nearly weekly, having workdays on each other’s newly acquired, rundown farms. Having homeschool play days, sharing dinners together, welcoming babies, and trying to grow into a real, functioning community. It’s not hard to see why the legend of the Missouri Bear community has spread throughout the realm. Most Bears moved here, like us, without family, and following blind faith, knowing no one. To assimilate into a completely new culture, as well as navigate basic necessities such as where to source nourishing food to feed our growing families. We had to lean on and learn from each other. I’ll also put this next part bluntly for those Bears considering a move here. Living in the Ozarks is hard. There is no Costco, Target, or Home Depot. There are no shopping malls or movie theaters. There are no hipster coffee shops, and there are no Whole Foods. In the only grocery store near us, there is not even an “organic” section in the produce aisle. There are snakes, ticks, chiggers, poison ivy, and the occasional tornado. We’ve all bought farms with nearly falling down houses and multiple junk piles littered around the property, in true Missouri style. To navigate the difficulties of living here alone would be disheartening at best. In short, this community works because we need each other. We need each other, and we want to help each other because we’ve all committed to seeing this thing through, building an alternative community to the one of indentured servitude that we’ve been sold our entire lives. We have another important, foundational similarity that gives me chills. If you ask most Bears why they moved to the Ozarks, they’ll tell you that, like us, God called them here.

As Thanksgiving 2021 approached, we were keenly aware that most of our friends would be celebrating without family. We decided to host a Thanksgiving meetup for the local bears. At the time, we were still living in our 5th wheel, as we were knee-deep in renovating our recently purchased 1938 farmhouse. Seekers of the Good, the True, and the Beautiful arrived bearing mashed potatoes, green beans, loaves of sourdough, pies, and cakes. The fact that our house was halfway demolished inside and that tables and chairs were set up on plywood subfloor under open holes in the ceiling phased no one. Bears are so cool. No one cares about fancies and lollies. They just cared that we were together, sharing stories and encouragement. And that the gravy is ladled generously and served piping hot. As a prayer was said over the meal, bread was broken, and friendships were formed. RedPandaBear organized a group photo in front of our barn, a tradition we repeated this year. It’s a tradition that I hope to continue every year and watch what faces show up year after year and also to see what new faces are added. Over the past year, several Bears have asked if we were going to host Thanksgiving again. My enthusiastic reply assured them that I hope to host every year as a standing event for Bears to count on and look forward to.

This year, I was slightly nervous hosting as our Ozark Bear numbers have grown exponentially. To date, we have around forty-five bear families living within a two-hour radius. With the attention our community has been receiving with the recent festival and purchase of campground land, we decided to invite only local bears via our Telegram chat rather than posting to the Beartaria Times App. We initially hoped to host outside as we were anticipating around 100 people. As often happens when a group of crushers assembles, similar to the weekend of the National Festival, it rained. It hadn’t rained for weeks, yet on the morning of Thanksgiving, the heavens opened, and it poured. We moved couches, rugs, and end tables into bedrooms and set up tables and chairs inside to host the 89 Bears who attended. Honorable mention to BoatShoesBear, who showed up ready to crush and did most of the set-up. Everyone was amenable to the change even though we were all quite cozy packed inside together. It all worked out except for the fact that the mountain of muddy boots by the front door looked like something out of a Spielberg movie. Bear mamas came bearing so much food that we could have fed a group twice our size. There was plenty of wholesome fun had by all. My husband gave tractor rides to the kids, and our builder buddy made an obstacle course for the kids. There were several tug-of-war battles by the cubs as well. Ever since the festival, the kids have been playing tug-of-war whenever they get together to prepare to crush at next year’s festival. Thanks to the rain, we were able to light a giant bonfire in front of the barn to keep everyone warm. We even ended the night with fireworks for the kids. All the mamas pitched in at the end of the day to do dishes, sweep, and clean. Countless Bears thanked us for hosting. A few told us it was the best Thanksgiving they had ever had.

This is a tradition we will continue every year. The bolstering of our spirits and the closeness created by gathering together makes these events worth it. Owen talks about finding what you can do to add value to your community. I can’t fix your kitchen sink or build you a website, but I can bring people together and provide a welcoming, cozy place for people to gather. Gather together, Bears. Gather whether your house is under construction, or you live in a camper or a shophouse, or if your house looks like it belongs in a magazine. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you find each other and BUILD. Build communities, build alternatives, build EACH OTHER. This type of event also prompts us to reflect and practice one of the key elements to Bear life– gratitude. We come together and share what we are thankful for. We are thankful for this community that has helped us not only to survive here in the Ozarks but to thrive. We are thankful to the Bears here who have become wonderful friends and supported us to put down roots and build. We are thankful to Owen for catalyzing all of us on paths pursuing the Good, the True, and the Beautiful. We are thankful, most of all, to God, for showing us the way and for providing abundantly.

Until next year, Ozark Bears, onward to Beartaria!

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Events

The Crushing Continues at the Second Annual Midwest Bearfest

Farming Artist was the bear who put this all together. She and her family offered workshops on butchering chickens, making chicken stock, keeping bees, making goat milk soap, and trimming goat hooves, but I’m sure I missed a few.

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During the last few days of September, rolling into the first few days of October, our friends, The Jones family, hosted the second annual Midwest Bearfest.

In mid-Michigan lies a small farming town and a family of Crushers willing to have 100 people at their farm. Moonlit Farm has been in the Jones family for five generations and counting.

Read more about their family and farm here.

The event was held from Thursday through Sunday. Farming Artist put this all together. She and her family offered workshops on butchering chickens, making chicken stock, keeping bees, making goat milk soap, and trimming goat hooves, but I’m sure I missed a few.

These fine folks did much prep work to prepare the farm for 100 guests. They prepared part of the farm for camping and had massive piles of rocks and wood for campfires. They also offered food for all four days. Amazingly, this family would allow 100 mostly strangers to their farm, but even more impressive is that they were willing to share five generations of skills with us.

During the days, it was workshops and hay rides. When the sunset on this beautiful farm, it was time for campfires and gravy! There were no less than four fires each night, with different groups enjoying them. People floated back and forth to the fire pits sharing stories, bonding, or simply enjoying old friends for the first time.

This event felt like home to me. The Jones family has always treated me like family. The bear community is the best at making you feel like you belong.

Sunday morning of Midwest Bearfest came with a bit of a surprise. Farming Artist asked me to head a bible study. This request was a bit shocking to me; I’m no pastor. But I mustered up enough courage to do it, and it was actually quite comfortable. The bears volunteered to read passages with me and were very patient with my message. I have never done anything like this. It was humbling, and it strengthened my faith. I’m so glad I was asked to do it.

To the Jones family, we thank you for having us at your home. To the bears, thank you for showing up. As always, we thank our Lord for the opportunities he gives and the love he gives. I’m grateful for the opportunity to attend this event and grateful to meet all my old friends for the first time. Keep Krushing bears, Onward!

~Bill Krushington

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