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Satire

Lemons Are One Thing, But Limes?

What on earth do we do with limes?

Van Allen Bear

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Next time someone tells you “oh yeah man listen I hate to break it to ya, but all I got for ya are these lemons here see”–take em and run! Could you imagine how worse-off you would be if you had a handful of limes? I mean, come on, before you say, “hey woah man, it’s all good we can make limeade”–No… Listen guy, I ain’t buyin’ it and nobody I’ve ever known drinks something as silly as limeade. 

Lemons are one thing, but limes? 

Any sensible person, any time in history or future

When life gives us lemons, we can make lemonade and maybe we can get ourselves into a lemonade stand. With that lemonade stand we can get ourselves into the market and start making some seed money for, oh I don’t know, a new *bike* or a bigger hat or even pay your CPA $50 for an LLC to begin creating cargo airships out of scrap aluminum… but, limes? We can even collect them and digitally throw them at a bear for hours of entertainment, but limes?

The difference is beyond measure

Come on, what on earth can we do with a lime? Why is everyone so unenthusiastic about the lemons they might receive from life when they should be most worried about the limes lurking in the shade? Literally lurking in the shade! I just don’t get it.

Why had no one told us about the limes? I bought one as a joke at the supermarket once when I was a young man. What a complete and utter waste of money– it sat in my refrigerator for about one-and-a-half-years before I finally threw it away and bought another one. I figured that this was a mercy purchase, because someone, somewhere actually picked a lime and tried to sell it. I mean, come on that’s hilarious to even think someone would purposefully purchase a lime. Lemons all day, man, that makes sense, but limes? Come on. Don’t be kidding yourself. Don’t be kidding me, do I look like a fool? Gimme a handful of lemons and I’m on the dark side of the moon bartering tree seeds to the Chineses in 6 months. But if you really want to insult someone, go out of your way to purchase them a lime. What a disaster that would cause, oh good Heavens. 

Can you imagine, dear readers, someone who may have the gall to comfort you in a time of distraught with the age-old, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I wish someone would say, “alright, hold on. You and I both know lemons are rather acidic, however they have nominal market value when coupled with sugar granules and liquid ice. I know that seems like a little bit, but with fractional transactions and investing over 66% of our profit margins into solar battery research, I could both have a new set of rollerblades AND a new sunroof for my prius. With limes… not so much, guy, lime fruits don’t even form a monophyletic group.”

It’s alright, I’m sure lemons fall short in utility, but limes? Come on, man. Not a chance.

Come on…

Lemons are made out to be the bad-guy here, and I don’t see why. I’m just trying to figure this out. They are used in potpourri, as ornaments, mixed into cocktails (haram), zest in cakes, yellow dyes, added to picnic water, pies, puddings, baked bars, squeezed over fried catfish, lemonade, origami, crypto currency, pigment for painting porches, donkey food, soaps, hotel lotions, earrings, tree ornaments… all kinds of things. Limes… sorry yeah drawing a blank. When life gives you lemons, don’t worry about it, just be glad they weren’t limes.

Satire

Second Aid

The Forgotten Art

Nighthawk Bear

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Live to Care Another Day

Everyone these days seems to think they’re an expert in First Aid. I get it, everyone wants to be first. Plus, It’s a useful skill, and more than a little bit glamorous. If you think about it, the book series featuring James Bond was almost an exact allegory for the life of an EMT doing first aid. You may be at a fancy dinner one moment, and the next you’re out of your tuxedo and sliding across the hood of your ambulance. The siren parts a sea of vehicles like a cartoon Cars version of Moses as you arrive just in time to diffuse a bomb. A heart attack bomb. Remember when Bond used the defibrillator on himself during a poker game? Classic EMT behavior. 

I’ve been there, I remember the flashing lights, the slack jawed onlookers, the tearful “thank you” of a worried mother. But after you’ve administered First Aid and the glitz and glam wear off, what’s left? What does Mr. Bond do after he’s pulled the confused one legged man out of the Saturn that flipped on its side? If he knew Second Aid, he’d probably lay a blanket across the man’s shoulders, and give him a cup of hot joe. That last part is critical but many have forgotten its importance. That’s why I want to RE-introduce you to Second Aid. 

Naturally, Second Aid comes AFTER First Aid. First Aid is concerned with the immediate steps to address an injury or emergent medical condition, whereas Second Aid is primarily used once the patient is stable and recovering. Of course no one looks down on Second Aid. That’s the problem. I bet you never even think about Second Aid. Going forward, I hope you’ll remember the blanket and the joe, because our ancient relatives sure did.

The Original Dab

Second Aid isn’t a new practice. The art form was very popular in the early 1900s. You may be surprised to learn that it’s been featured in almost too many films to list. You’ve seen it many times, but may never have realized what you were being shown.

One classic element of Second Aid is the “wet rag/forehead dab.” In the 1946 Movie ‘Song of the South,’ a child is running across a field to stop his friend, Uncle Remus, from leaving. In the field was a bull that rushed the child and knocked him unconscious. The viewer is spared the gory details, but the next time you see the boy he is unconscious in his room. His nurse is administering Second Aid by dabbing a wet cloth on his forehead. In addition to the Wet Rag technique in this scene, there is also singing, and story telling. If carried out properly, this miraculous combination usually results in the unconscious patient waking up. 

Song of the South _ 1946

The ‘Head Tilt, Assisted Sip’ was used even in Biblical times, presumably as far back as the Good Samaritan. However, modern advancements have modified this method to include a straw along with the sip which reduced spillage by over 80%. As time went on, nurses began to refine this ancient practice. With the addition of adjusting pillows behind the patient’s back or neck, patient comfort reached new highs that were previously only thought to be theoretical.

In the previous few decades, innovation in this field has sloped off dramatically. Since the innovation of the mechanically adjustable bed in the 1970s, Second Aid has been at a near stand still. Patients are still grateful for the care, but I believe it is time to push the envelope just a little bit further. 

Future of 2nd Aid

B.E.D. Illustrated by My Daughter

The ‘Biomechanically Engineered Device’ or B.E.D. will revolutionize Second Aid and bring it into the new era. With advancements in robotics, we can design a bed that has built in appendages. These appendages can both dab the forehead as it serves chilled beverages. It will, of course, be cross-compatible with the traditional cup/straw combo. 

With the replacement of the bedside nurse, we will open up space in the hospital room for another innovation: the Bedside Orchestra. After rewatching Song of the South, I was touched by the resonant melodies between the voices of the singers and the orchestral soundtrack in the film. Instinctually, I know that harmonious melodies tuned at 432cycles will aid in faster patient recovery and a higher positivity rating for the hospital.

These steps will help with “Iratus Patientitis” which affects currently about 12% of all patients over 56 years old. According to a comment on a question that was posted anonymously at answers.com, that’s nearly 5 million people in just the United States alone. A patient afflicted with “Iratus Patientitis” will throw 3.4 bedpans full of urine at nurses, causing the positivity rating of hospitals to dip quite severely. With an orchestra in the hospital room playing harmonies worthy of an Elizabethan land owner, relief of this condition will be immediate and long-lasting. We can expect to see Patientitis levels (as well as bed pans about to be thrown) drop dramatically. 

Second Aid may continue to play second fiddle to First Aid for now, but for those of us who have had our fill of the glory that comes with administering emergency oxygen, Second Aid is a fantastic field in which to “retire”. It is, after-all, where most of the healing actually takes place. When we care for our patients and make them comfortable, perhaps one day we will wake up and realize it was US that were healed. 

Nighthawk_Bear

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Events

How to Announce a New Baby in Beartaria in the year 2120

An Events-Satire Crossover by Nighthawk Bear

Nighthawk Bear

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Beartaria

A whimsical vision of the future

As you well know, in Beartaria, babies are not brought by stork, but by eagle. And not your average Buick driving, bald eagle. Oh no, we use only the most professional and regal Golden Eagles, like the Marahute (Marr-ah-HOO-tee) from that movie long long ago, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ With the frequency and volume of babies arriving in our great nation, we rely on the extra wing span and quick turnaround times of a ‘Model BT1 Goldie’. 

For the new ‘Beartarian Parents to Be’ this will be a guide of sorts that will prepare you for your first ‘Bear Drop.’ So grab another Proper CuppaCoffee (™), sink your toes into that cool green orchard grass, and read on. 

Firstly, let’s put to rest the fears common to all new parents. Your baby will of course be fitted with proper eye protection, as our eagle fleets are exceedingly fast and dust can be quite an eye irritant. A helmet, however, is not necessary. You see, helmets only add unnecessary weight to what is sure to be an already very heavy cranium due to the above average brain size in Beartarian children. Instead, the young Parapoopers will be released in miniature Bearship Bassinets™ outfitted with our #1 safety rated and well insulated memory foam. Our babies are notoriously hungry, and they’ll be well kept due to our patented ‘Goat Milk Snack Bar®,’ providing the highest quality in nourishment, serving fresh milk at exactly 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit for optimum absorption. So fear not, your youngen will arrive warm, refreshed, and slightly electrically charged from an exhilarating trip through the upper atmosphere with a 70% higher electrical energy potential (so be sure to only touch the bassinet after it has landed and grounded itself, or you may experience quite a shock). 

As far as when you can expect your new arrival, that is all handled via the esteemed United States Post Office. Fathers will receive a handcrafted wooden box in the mail approximately 1 week prior to the expected delivery date. Inside this box will be a carved maple pipe, a healthy amount of aged Virginian pipe tobacco, a precise german crafted digital timepiece with a PPS (plane positioning system) locator beacon which your assigned eagle will hone in on. This digital timepiece will also be installed with the Weiss ‘Flat Earth Sun Moon and Zodiac Clock App’ with a special parenting basics play list including exclusive works such as “Bach Baby in 432hz: What Mozart Babies WISH they knew about Classical Music” and “Flat Packing an Antarctic Expedition Size Diaper Bag in an Ordinary Size Backpack”.  Thanks in advance, Dave. 

So keep that watch handy and you’ll be well prepared and well informed for when your baby bunting arrives.

I’m sure you’re wondering ‘hey when do I know what gender my baby will be?’ 

You of course can seek a qualified technician in the aged method of “Sonogram” if you so choose. This is an outdated procedure but some of the younger “Billenials” have acquired a certain nostalgia for such a thing, and that’s just fine, for some people.

For others, simplicity is best and your newly parachuted papoose will rain down either blue or pink colored sand as they arrive. The same goes for twins and above, with each baby carriage descending amidst its own cloud of either pink or blue. We don’t generally worry about advance notice, since the gender surprise is useful in keeping parents flexible and on their toes. Obviously this ability to stay limber without losing mental fortitude is one skill that will be built over generations. There are many bears from very old parts of the world that will doubtless have some refined methods of gender determination. If your curiosity cannot be contained, I encourage you to seek them out.

Now that the safety and logistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the business of announcing the arrival of your beautiful sky gem. 

The Announcement:

The list of elements that are befitting an announcement of this magnitude in this mighty kingdom is quite large and will by no means be fully enumerated below, but for the items we do list out, these should be readily available at any of your local ‘Beartarian Battlefield and Festive Crafts’ store. For any items or events that exceed your store’s capacity, inquire to your local Bard Adjunct and he shall assign the correct person/s to help you track down the proper arrangements. Congratulations and may your children multiply and your land bear fruit in great abundance.

Accoutrements For Announcing A Beartarian New Arrival

1) Trumpets (can include horns and bugles) 

A long standing favorite is the Sir Coddington Signature series “Annuncerary Horn of Salutations” A fine piece to be sure. This can also be rented but I suggest you allow for at least 7 months advance notice as it is in high demand.

2) Goat skin or papyrus delivery announcement cards. 

These announcement cards regardless of what they’re printed on are a mainstay of many forms of announcements and communications across the land. Goatskin is a particularly memorable form of keepsake for a first born child, which is why it was specifically listed. 

Note: If you are unable to obtain adequate amounts of goat skin because of the ongoing goat skin shortage due to the increased demand for Castalia limited edition hardback books, any supple leather product will do. I’ve even heard tell of a manufacturer who uses chicken skin from the finest meat and aged laying fowl leather. An unusual choice, to be sure, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see how elegant such an abundant bird can become. Ostrich is quite classy but somewhat difficult to source north of the New Mexican State of Texas. I am admittedly biased to Yak skin since I do run Battle Yaks Inc. and supply many yak leather outfitters from eastern Kentucky to the edge of the burned out wasteland once called “The Company of Saint Francis” or “San Francisco” in the olden tongue.

3) Fireworks. 

Caution: Sometimes the Failed State regions surrounding us get quite finicky when flames are bursting in the skies without ample warning. And no wonder since they “accidentally” incinerated most of their entire former land holdings many years ago. The Beartarian Forestry and Wildlife Flourishment Enterprise is doing an outstanding job providing ample rainfall wherever and whenever its needed. They will gladly arrange the watering of the surrounding fields before your conflagatory libation and provide the aforementioned warning to the surrounding areas ahead of the engagement. 

Note: We encourage all birth announcements to utilize fireworks, as The Beartarian Nation has signed a temporary exclusive treaty with the Chinese People’s Nation for artillery level fireworks (and we intend to get our money’s worth). Part of the signed agreement is that we require the manufacturer to include 100 Chinese citizens to dress in WW2 era military garb and march past the Infowars Headquarters in Austin, TX no less than 6 times. They have added that if we purchase any order over 1metric ton, they will fly a Bear banner and sing the Chinese national anthem quite loudly while they march. Our Bard King has declared this to be a suitable exchange. 

4) Russian Children’s Angelic Choir 

Best experienced in the Beartarian Grand Cathedral, (which touts near perfect acoustics and precisely tuned Vibroluminescent crystal columns) this gift to humanity has brought some of the greatest moments of joy to the realm and was center stage at our famed Bard King’s coronation. If you’re not able to host an event at the Grand Cathedral, these choral savants love touring the land and performing at many a feast and celebration. 

Note: Appearances can be arranged for 50 lbs of grain seed and 12 gallons of raw goats milk. Quite expensive, indeed, but I assure you it is worth every ounce of the goat leche. 

5) Assorted baked treats

Available in various shapes and sizes, see the local Beartarian Baker and ask for their current special on baked goods. We offer no promo codes, as tempting as it is to jest, but simply let them know of your expectant condition and you will be blessed with a good variety at “special occasion pricing.” Trades are often made as well, many a family will gladly trade the Goat Milk Snack Bar® from the new arrival’s carriage, which is intended to be reusable and makes keeping and pouring milk into batches of cookies easy and efficient without taking up space in the refrigerators.

6) The Great Feast:

This is a legendary Beartarian tradition. Especially with the announcement of a child to be delivered, the bears will coordinate and gather with food brought from the corners of Beartarian lands. Tables will overflow with abundance and much music, dancing, and merriment is to be had. Our many food shoppes and meat providers love working together to arrange the feast for your community. Musicians come of their own accord, and if he is free and able to join us, the Bard King will bless the evening with a grand piano melody or two.

7) Pigeons or Doves

One fine way of announcing the arrival of a young legend or legendess is to release pigeons from the high towers of your local castle. Your local Bard Adjunct will gladly make all necessary arrangements and coordinate the young lads who will run and round up your pigeons and doves and ready them for the occasion. Once again, the trumpet is a popular finishing touch for such occasion, and might I suggest a good chiming of the church bells as well?

8) Bearship Tour de Force

One of my favorite traditions no matter the occasion is the Bearships Tour de Force. This is where those who have a Bearship will parade through the skies with great fanfare and delight letting all the land know of your blessed fortune and excitement. This can continue late into the evening. If they are available, the Gravy Seals can be called upon to do a Nighttime Bearachute exercise where they use bioluminescent algae marked Bearachutes and create a vortex of light as they descend. It is quite memorable to witness, and many an engagement is begun on such an occasion, contributing to the vortex of life here in Beartaria. Engagement begets the arrival of babies which is cause of celebration and thus results in more marriage engagements. Our own circle of life.

Alas, I do get quite excited and my imagination runs to great lengths. It, however, should never be overlooked that a quiet, simple announcement to close friends and family surrounded by alpacas, goats, and good cheer is always welcome. In fact some of my most memorable times of celebration were in the early days when there wasn’t much more than a simple timber framed house on a sunny hill overlooking a field of alpacas and ducks. Many of us from those early days fondly remember sitting around a hand carved wooden table set literally in the middle of the woods with a handful of close friends celebrating a newly married couple’s good fortune. These simpler days will always be preserved in memory and practice. The Bears are constantly working together to come up with grand plans more legendary than the last. It has been my honor to log this step along our many years of crushing, and I wait with excitement and focused purpose for the next wonderful stage in our nation’s development. Since our inception, 6 million babies have been brought into this world. Here’s to 6 million more. 

If you would like to share with our community a pregnancy/birth, wedding, or any other joyous event, submit your completed press release/announcement to events@beartariatimes.com including any pictures you wish to have featured.

Dedicated to all the parents, new and old.

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Satire

They Are Coming For Our Puns

Wake up America!

Owen Benjamin

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Wake up America, they are coming for your puns. The American dream, passed on from father to son since our Forefathers (or was it five?), has revolved around the use of puns to teach, boost morale, and keep our families safe. But not for long. Now it’s being called “assault with a dadly weapon” and there’s a call for “common sense pun control.” They call me a “write wing” activist, and try to limit the number of jokes in my magazine that I thumb through in my down time. This is punconstitutional.

Just the other day I was shopping for some new furniture and I told the sales associate that my recliner and I go “way back,” but it’s time for a new one. What I received in return I’ll never forget–the manager accused me of “excessive farce.” I met his cold stare and reminded him that verbal “assault” could use a little verbal “pepper.” I left before more words could be exchanged. They thought I’d take their harassment like a lazy boy, little did they know I am a lazy man, and I refused to be PUNished for my clever wit.

The media has been relentless with their pun buy-back programs leveraging a pundemic hoax–all of which was punconstitutional. It was as if they opened pundora’s box. I tried calming down by grabbing some breakfast and a coffee at a local spot frequented by hardworking dads. I told the waitress my omelette was “egg-sellent.” No smiles. Even a local cop at the counter, who always enjoyed a good pun, looked away. I said “easy with the coffee, that’s police BREW-tality.” To my dismay, I chuckled silently to myself in complete silence.

Wake up America, they are coming for your puns.

big bear, circa 2020

As a proud father and American it only increased my desire to make light of the situation with my God given right to puns. “Why do you stink so bad officer, are you ON DUTY?” The next thing I knew I was on the ground being kicked and spit on by two women and a homeless man as they said, “You’re gonna get us all in trouble! Times have changed. Give up your puns.”

Driving home with what felt like a broken rib I had to stop at a road closure. Desperate for connection, I rolled down the window and asked the construction worker how long the delay was. Before he could answer I said, “road work… I sure hope it works.” I saw a slight smile on his face before he went back to pretending he didn’t hear me. Jobs are tough to get these days, can’t say I blame him.

As I drove up to my door I saw my cow ‘Moo moo’ in the field, and whispered, “isn’t it pasture bed time” and imagined a world which still accepted a dad’s need to own his own puns.

When the SWAT team showed up at my house after members of the coffee shop made allegations that I was a write wing satirist, I yelled out the window, “Swat? No flies here sorry!” I heard a knock at the door and I yelled “who’s there?” They said, “police open up.” So, of course, I gritted my fists tightly and responded, “police open up, who?”

“Fight, fight against the dying of the light,” I thought to myself as the door broke open.

big bear, circa 2020

Before I knew it they had a knee on my back. I yelled “you’re like the energizer bunny, you’ll be charged with battery!” As they attempted to gag my mouth I got out: “I bet you guys show up to protests three hours early to BEAT THE CROWDS!”

What people rarely understand is you can’t negotiate with the alligator–you just get eaten last. Those same police desperate to confiscate my puns now face a “DEPUN the Police” movement.

I’ve been through hell and back but I’ll never give up my puns. They’re uplifting, especially on a hot air balloon. We are all in this together. No one wants to live in a world without dad jokes. They give men of all walks of life a little extra spark to keep going. That very cop who turned away from me in that coffee shop was accused by the media of shooting an unarmed man. I told him I’d chip in for some prosthetics for the unarmed bastard. I could see a smile spread across his face. He had a mustache, and it seemed to be growing on him.

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