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Satire

No One is Having More Fun Than Us, Study Finds

The Ministry of Sleuth has released shocking proof that no one is having more fun than “The Bears”.

The Beartaria Times

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A new independent research study has found substantial proof that no one is having more fun than us. The research study that consisted of over nine hundred and eleven text messages and thousands of social media comments shows a direct correlation between happiness levels and being a Bear.

The ground breaking research irrefutably proves that crushing really is the way to go. But what about spite and envy? Turns out, they do nothing beneficial for you. Jealousy, resentment and ankle biting? Again they do nothing beneficial for you. The study even proves conclusively that these things tend to negatively impact your life and overall well being.

“It’s True, No One is Having More Fun Than Us.”

An unauthorized spokesperson FOR THE STUDY

The study, a complex analysis of those who are Bears and those who are not, as well as those that like Bears and those who do not, shows an obvious distinction between people’s happiness levels. The study also shows that those people that don’t like “The Bears” may even develop a condition where they can manifest false happiness by trying to make Bears unhappy. The experts have named this condition “Toesticular Gammatosis”.

Symptoms of Toesticular Gammatosis include:

  • Decreased Vitamin D levels (due to spending so many hours in a basement alone, staring at a computer)
  • Creating multiple sock accounts on Dlive and Instagram to troll The Bears
  • Frequenting Subreddits
  • Verbal outbursts of phrases like ‘How dare you?!’ and ‘Must be nice!’

The experts also note that if left untreated, Toesticular Gammatosis can develop into full blown Soyabetes.

The study was resolved with a variety of experiments that included a double non-blind crushing group and a gravy deficient control group. When compared to the control group, the efforts found that Bears experience on average 2 LPM (Laughs Per Minute) throughout the day, while the gravy deficient control group only experienced an average of 0.033 LPM. This may be a tough wake up call for non Bears out there.

This new research study has shown greater demand in the wider populous to promote non stop crushing! That is where we at The Beartaria Times come in! We literally have a media category for Just Crushing!

Are you suffering from Toesticular Gammatosis?

Have you been feeling unhappy?

Well, we cannot promise you happiness, but we can share what is a part of our happiness, what keeps us busy, motivated and crushing! So join us for the ride! Have a laugh and let’s build the world we want! No one is having more fun than us!

Events

How to Announce a New Baby in Beartaria in the year 2120

An Events-Satire Crossover by Nighthawk Bear

Nighthawk Bear

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Beartaria

A whimsical vision of the future

As you well know, in Beartaria, babies are not brought by stork, but by eagle. And not your average Buick driving, bald eagle. Oh no, we use only the most professional and regal Golden Eagles, like the Marahute (Marr-ah-HOO-tee) from that movie long long ago, ‘The Rescuers Down Under.’ With the frequency and volume of babies arriving in our great nation, we rely on the extra wing span and quick turnaround times of a ‘Model BT1 Goldie’. 

For the new ‘Beartarian Parents to Be’ this will be a guide of sorts that will prepare you for your first ‘Bear Drop.’ So grab another Proper CuppaCoffee (™), sink your toes into that cool green orchard grass, and read on. 

Firstly, let’s put to rest the fears common to all new parents. Your baby will of course be fitted with proper eye protection, as our eagle fleets are exceedingly fast and dust can be quite an eye irritant. A helmet, however, is not necessary. You see, helmets only add unnecessary weight to what is sure to be an already very heavy cranium due to the above average brain size in Beartarian children. Instead, the young Parapoopers will be released in miniature Bearship Bassinets™ outfitted with our #1 safety rated and well insulated memory foam. Our babies are notoriously hungry, and they’ll be well kept due to our patented ‘Goat Milk Snack Bar®,’ providing the highest quality in nourishment, serving fresh milk at exactly 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit for optimum absorption. So fear not, your youngen will arrive warm, refreshed, and slightly electrically charged from an exhilarating trip through the upper atmosphere with a 70% higher electrical energy potential (so be sure to only touch the bassinet after it has landed and grounded itself, or you may experience quite a shock). 

As far as when you can expect your new arrival, that is all handled via the esteemed United States Post Office. Fathers will receive a handcrafted wooden box in the mail approximately 1 week prior to the expected delivery date. Inside this box will be a carved maple pipe, a healthy amount of aged Virginian pipe tobacco, a precise german crafted digital timepiece with a PPS (plane positioning system) locator beacon which your assigned eagle will hone in on. This digital timepiece will also be installed with the Weiss ‘Flat Earth Sun Moon and Zodiac Clock App’ with a special parenting basics play list including exclusive works such as “Bach Baby in 432hz: What Mozart Babies WISH they knew about Classical Music” and “Flat Packing an Antarctic Expedition Size Diaper Bag in an Ordinary Size Backpack”.  Thanks in advance, Dave. 

So keep that watch handy and you’ll be well prepared and well informed for when your baby bunting arrives.

I’m sure you’re wondering ‘hey when do I know what gender my baby will be?’ 

You of course can seek a qualified technician in the aged method of “Sonogram” if you so choose. This is an outdated procedure but some of the younger “Billenials” have acquired a certain nostalgia for such a thing, and that’s just fine, for some people.

For others, simplicity is best and your newly parachuted papoose will rain down either blue or pink colored sand as they arrive. The same goes for twins and above, with each baby carriage descending amidst its own cloud of either pink or blue. We don’t generally worry about advance notice, since the gender surprise is useful in keeping parents flexible and on their toes. Obviously this ability to stay limber without losing mental fortitude is one skill that will be built over generations. There are many bears from very old parts of the world that will doubtless have some refined methods of gender determination. If your curiosity cannot be contained, I encourage you to seek them out.

Now that the safety and logistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the business of announcing the arrival of your beautiful sky gem. 

The Announcement:

The list of elements that are befitting an announcement of this magnitude in this mighty kingdom is quite large and will by no means be fully enumerated below, but for the items we do list out, these should be readily available at any of your local ‘Beartarian Battlefield and Festive Crafts’ store. For any items or events that exceed your store’s capacity, inquire to your local Bard Adjunct and he shall assign the correct person/s to help you track down the proper arrangements. Congratulations and may your children multiply and your land bear fruit in great abundance.

Accoutrements For Announcing A Beartarian New Arrival

1) Trumpets (can include horns and bugles) 

A long standing favorite is the Sir Coddington Signature series “Annuncerary Horn of Salutations” A fine piece to be sure. This can also be rented but I suggest you allow for at least 7 months advance notice as it is in high demand.

2) Goat skin or papyrus delivery announcement cards. 

These announcement cards regardless of what they’re printed on are a mainstay of many forms of announcements and communications across the land. Goatskin is a particularly memorable form of keepsake for a first born child, which is why it was specifically listed. 

Note: If you are unable to obtain adequate amounts of goat skin because of the ongoing goat skin shortage due to the increased demand for Castalia limited edition hardback books, any supple leather product will do. I’ve even heard tell of a manufacturer who uses chicken skin from the finest meat and aged laying fowl leather. An unusual choice, to be sure, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see how elegant such an abundant bird can become. Ostrich is quite classy but somewhat difficult to source north of the New Mexican State of Texas. I am admittedly biased to Yak skin since I do run Battle Yaks Inc. and supply many yak leather outfitters from eastern Kentucky to the edge of the burned out wasteland once called “The Company of Saint Francis” or “San Francisco” in the olden tongue.

3) Fireworks. 

Caution: Sometimes the Failed State regions surrounding us get quite finicky when flames are bursting in the skies without ample warning. And no wonder since they “accidentally” incinerated most of their entire former land holdings many years ago. The Beartarian Forestry and Wildlife Flourishment Enterprise is doing an outstanding job providing ample rainfall wherever and whenever its needed. They will gladly arrange the watering of the surrounding fields before your conflagatory libation and provide the aforementioned warning to the surrounding areas ahead of the engagement. 

Note: We encourage all birth announcements to utilize fireworks, as The Beartarian Nation has signed a temporary exclusive treaty with the Chinese People’s Nation for artillery level fireworks (and we intend to get our money’s worth). Part of the signed agreement is that we require the manufacturer to include 100 Chinese citizens to dress in WW2 era military garb and march past the Infowars Headquarters in Austin, TX no less than 6 times. They have added that if we purchase any order over 1metric ton, they will fly a Bear banner and sing the Chinese national anthem quite loudly while they march. Our Bard King has declared this to be a suitable exchange. 

4) Russian Children’s Angelic Choir 

Best experienced in the Beartarian Grand Cathedral, (which touts near perfect acoustics and precisely tuned Vibroluminescent crystal columns) this gift to humanity has brought some of the greatest moments of joy to the realm and was center stage at our famed Bard King’s coronation. If you’re not able to host an event at the Grand Cathedral, these choral savants love touring the land and performing at many a feast and celebration. 

Note: Appearances can be arranged for 50 lbs of grain seed and 12 gallons of raw goats milk. Quite expensive, indeed, but I assure you it is worth every ounce of the goat leche. 

5) Assorted baked treats

Available in various shapes and sizes, see the local Beartarian Baker and ask for their current special on baked goods. We offer no promo codes, as tempting as it is to jest, but simply let them know of your expectant condition and you will be blessed with a good variety at “special occasion pricing.” Trades are often made as well, many a family will gladly trade the Goat Milk Snack Bar® from the new arrival’s carriage, which is intended to be reusable and makes keeping and pouring milk into batches of cookies easy and efficient without taking up space in the refrigerators.

6) The Great Feast:

This is a legendary Beartarian tradition. Especially with the announcement of a child to be delivered, the bears will coordinate and gather with food brought from the corners of Beartarian lands. Tables will overflow with abundance and much music, dancing, and merriment is to be had. Our many food shoppes and meat providers love working together to arrange the feast for your community. Musicians come of their own accord, and if he is free and able to join us, the Bard King will bless the evening with a grand piano melody or two.

7) Pigeons or Doves

One fine way of announcing the arrival of a young legend or legendess is to release pigeons from the high towers of your local castle. Your local Bard Adjunct will gladly make all necessary arrangements and coordinate the young lads who will run and round up your pigeons and doves and ready them for the occasion. Once again, the trumpet is a popular finishing touch for such occasion, and might I suggest a good chiming of the church bells as well?

8) Bearship Tour de Force

One of my favorite traditions no matter the occasion is the Bearships Tour de Force. This is where those who have a Bearship will parade through the skies with great fanfare and delight letting all the land know of your blessed fortune and excitement. This can continue late into the evening. If they are available, the Gravy Seals can be called upon to do a Nighttime Bearachute exercise where they use bioluminescent algae marked Bearachutes and create a vortex of light as they descend. It is quite memorable to witness, and many an engagement is begun on such an occasion, contributing to the vortex of life here in Beartaria. Engagement begets the arrival of babies which is cause of celebration and thus results in more marriage engagements. Our own circle of life.

Alas, I do get quite excited and my imagination runs to great lengths. It, however, should never be overlooked that a quiet, simple announcement to close friends and family surrounded by alpacas, goats, and good cheer is always welcome. In fact some of my most memorable times of celebration were in the early days when there wasn’t much more than a simple timber framed house on a sunny hill overlooking a field of alpacas and ducks. Many of us from those early days fondly remember sitting around a hand carved wooden table set literally in the middle of the woods with a handful of close friends celebrating a newly married couple’s good fortune. These simpler days will always be preserved in memory and practice. The Bears are constantly working together to come up with grand plans more legendary than the last. It has been my honor to log this step along our many years of crushing, and I wait with excitement and focused purpose for the next wonderful stage in our nation’s development. Since our inception, 6 million babies have been brought into this world. Here’s to 6 million more. 

If you would like to share with our community a pregnancy/birth, wedding, or any other joyous event, submit your completed press release/announcement to events@beartariatimes.com including any pictures you wish to have featured.

Dedicated to all the parents, new and old.

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Satire

They Are Coming For Our Puns

Wake up America!

Owen Benjamin

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Wake up America, they are coming for your puns. The American dream, passed on from father to son since our Forefathers (or was it five?), has revolved around the use of puns to teach, boost morale, and keep our families safe. But not for long. Now it’s being called “assault with a dadly weapon” and there’s a call for “common sense pun control.” They call me a “write wing” activist, and try to limit the number of jokes in my magazine that I thumb through in my down time. This is punconstitutional.

Just the other day I was shopping for some new furniture and I told the sales associate that my recliner and I go “way back,” but it’s time for a new one. What I received in return I’ll never forget–the manager accused me of “excessive farce.” I met his cold stare and reminded him that verbal “assault” could use a little verbal “pepper.” I left before more words could be exchanged. They thought I’d take their harassment like a lazy boy, little did they know I am a lazy man, and I refused to be PUNished for my clever wit.

The media has been relentless with their pun buy-back programs leveraging a pundemic hoax–all of which was punconstitutional. It was as if they opened pundora’s box. I tried calming down by grabbing some breakfast and a coffee at a local spot frequented by hardworking dads. I told the waitress my omelette was “egg-sellent.” No smiles. Even a local cop at the counter, who always enjoyed a good pun, looked away. I said “easy with the coffee, that’s police BREW-tality.” To my dismay, I chuckled silently to myself in complete silence.

Wake up America, they are coming for your puns.

big bear, circa 2020

As a proud father and American it only increased my desire to make light of the situation with my God given right to puns. “Why do you stink so bad officer, are you ON DUTY?” The next thing I knew I was on the ground being kicked and spit on by two women and a homeless man as they said, “You’re gonna get us all in trouble! Times have changed. Give up your puns.”

Driving home with what felt like a broken rib I had to stop at a road closure. Desperate for connection, I rolled down the window and asked the construction worker how long the delay was. Before he could answer I said, “road work… I sure hope it works.” I saw a slight smile on his face before he went back to pretending he didn’t hear me. Jobs are tough to get these days, can’t say I blame him.

As I drove up to my door I saw my cow ‘Moo moo’ in the field, and whispered, “isn’t it pasture bed time” and imagined a world which still accepted a dad’s need to own his own puns.

When the SWAT team showed up at my house after members of the coffee shop made allegations that I was a write wing satirist, I yelled out the window, “Swat? No flies here sorry!” I heard a knock at the door and I yelled “who’s there?” They said, “police open up.” So, of course, I gritted my fists tightly and responded, “police open up, who?”

“Fight, fight against the dying of the light,” I thought to myself as the door broke open.

big bear, circa 2020

Before I knew it they had a knee on my back. I yelled “you’re like the energizer bunny, you’ll be charged with battery!” As they attempted to gag my mouth I got out: “I bet you guys show up to protests three hours early to BEAT THE CROWDS!”

What people rarely understand is you can’t negotiate with the alligator–you just get eaten last. Those same police desperate to confiscate my puns now face a “DEPUN the Police” movement.

I’ve been through hell and back but I’ll never give up my puns. They’re uplifting, especially on a hot air balloon. We are all in this together. No one wants to live in a world without dad jokes. They give men of all walks of life a little extra spark to keep going. That very cop who turned away from me in that coffee shop was accused by the media of shooting an unarmed man. I told him I’d chip in for some prosthetics for the unarmed bastard. I could see a smile spread across his face. He had a mustache, and it seemed to be growing on him.

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Satire

Jolly Crops & Fancy Plants

For the path of what’s right, might be narrow & hard, but it’s the same path you’ll find, planting seeds in your yard.

Coddington Bear

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Never take the ticket, to sell out your word, becoming a cautionary tale, for your name to be heard. 

You might think it’s short-term, & quietly say, it’s just for right now, it will pay off someday. 

Each faustian compromise, each selling of self, hides the best of your works, to collect dust on a shelf. 

You’ll hear “how dare you’s” & “you sir’s” with outrage a plenty, all projections of those, who are consumed by their envy. 

For the path of what’s right, might be narrow & hard, but it’s the same path you’ll find, planting seeds in your yard.

Be fruitful, be kind, never boastful with pride. Reflect the light of the path, inspiring many to His side.

A new theater will emerge, filled with laughs & true joy. Where the tickets are priceless, to hear the laughs of your boy. 

No one has more fun, with Logos filled rants, when the only ticket you take is for jolly crops & fancy plants.

-Coddington Bear

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