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They Are Coming For Our Puns

Wake up America!



Wake up America, they are coming for your puns. The American dream, passed on from father to son since our Forefathers (or was it five?), has revolved around the use of puns to teach, boost morale, and keep our families safe. But not for long. Now it’s being called “assault with a dadly weapon” and there’s a call for “common sense pun control.” They call me a “write wing” activist, and try to limit the number of jokes in my magazine that I thumb through in my down time. This is punconstitutional.

Just the other day I was shopping for some new furniture and I told the sales associate that my recliner and I go “way back,” but it’s time for a new one. What I received in return I’ll never forget–the manager accused me of “excessive farce.” I met his cold stare and reminded him that verbal “assault” could use a little verbal “pepper.” I left before more words could be exchanged. They thought I’d take their harassment like a lazy boy, little did they know I am a lazy man, and I refused to be PUNished for my clever wit.

The media has been relentless with their pun buy-back programs leveraging a pundemic hoax–all of which was punconstitutional. It was as if they opened pundora’s box. I tried calming down by grabbing some breakfast and a coffee at a local spot frequented by hardworking dads. I told the waitress my omelette was “egg-sellent.” No smiles. Even a local cop at the counter, who always enjoyed a good pun, looked away. I said “easy with the coffee, that’s police BREW-tality.” To my dismay, I chuckled silently to myself in complete silence.

Wake up America, they are coming for your puns.

big bear, circa 2020

As a proud father and American it only increased my desire to make light of the situation with my God given right to puns. “Why do you stink so bad officer, are you ON DUTY?” The next thing I knew I was on the ground being kicked and spit on by two women and a homeless man as they said, “You’re gonna get us all in trouble! Times have changed. Give up your puns.”

Driving home with what felt like a broken rib I had to stop at a road closure. Desperate for connection, I rolled down the window and asked the construction worker how long the delay was. Before he could answer I said, “road work… I sure hope it works.” I saw a slight smile on his face before he went back to pretending he didn’t hear me. Jobs are tough to get these days, can’t say I blame him.

As I drove up to my door I saw my cow ‘Moo moo’ in the field, and whispered, “isn’t it pasture bed time” and imagined a world which still accepted a dad’s need to own his own puns.

When the SWAT team showed up at my house after members of the coffee shop made allegations that I was a write wing satirist, I yelled out the window, “Swat? No flies here sorry!” I heard a knock at the door and I yelled “who’s there?” They said, “police open up.” So, of course, I gritted my fists tightly and responded, “police open up, who?”

“Fight, fight against the dying of the light,” I thought to myself as the door broke open.

big bear, circa 2020

Before I knew it they had a knee on my back. I yelled “you’re like the energizer bunny, you’ll be charged with battery!” As they attempted to gag my mouth I got out: “I bet you guys show up to protests three hours early to BEAT THE CROWDS!”

What people rarely understand is you can’t negotiate with the alligator–you just get eaten last. Those same police desperate to confiscate my puns now face a “DEPUN the Police” movement.

I’ve been through hell and back but I’ll never give up my puns. They’re uplifting, especially on a hot air balloon. We are all in this together. No one wants to live in a world without dad jokes. They give men of all walks of life a little extra spark to keep going. That very cop who turned away from me in that coffee shop was accused by the media of shooting an unarmed man. I told him I’d chip in for some prosthetics for the unarmed bastard. I could see a smile spread across his face. He had a mustache, and it seemed to be growing on him.

Just Crushing

The Beartaria Times Projections Show Possible Printer Purchase Going Into Q2

Van Allen Bear reports



It’s been a long time coming for The Beartaria Times to start competing with the billion dollar companies people have grown to be annoyed by. Rumors of The Beartaria Times’ future strategic investment plans have spread rapidly across the thriving startup culture of North Idaho.

Until now, rumors were unsubstantiated. But, due to my close proximity and vast industry connections, I have been able to verify the elaborate rumors that has “crushers” gaining more interest in The Beartaria Times.

I have confirmed via multiple text messages that The Beartaria Times will indeed make a strategic purchase for a new ink dispensing compositor, commonly known as a printer. This is going to ‘up’ the company value by a percentage that can only be speculated at this time.

Speculators and analysts have gathered in high controversy over the logistics of the acquisition and future productivity projections.

“The Beartaria Times could get a new printer or one from craigslist that would be tried and true”

Gary, not Terry

Gary, not Terry, responded to a request for comment and he makes some excellent points. He also added, “They may not want to risk being asked to pay $16 for a warranty, such a question poses a potential work-stop creating congestion in the administrative duties of the policy-making department.”

“Gary is a smart guy… when he talks, people listen, and warranty propositions do pose an increase in substantial thought processes,” inside sources say.

“We originally wanted everything etched in stone, but with the global shortage of chisels we began using scribes.”

Spokesperson for the beartaria Times

My sources at The Beartaria Times went on to say that they can no longer continue to use the scribes, “They have been on strike for weeks because Gary recommended it, people really need to stop listening to Gary.”

The Spokesperson continued to reveal new developments in the strategic printer acquisition, “A reconnaissance officer was sent to a local supplier to gather intel on pricing possibilities and specs. Ammunition for the printer may soon be bottlenecked in the economic sector, due to the price hike of printer primers. The Beartarian Times R&D department has discussed the possibility of creating printer ammunition in-house, although this opens the doors for many new challenges for us.”

The spokesperson is not revealing any more information at this time. A top consultant for The Beartaria Times has reportedly said, “Warranties are really not a bad idea, its better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.”

So, is this even a big deal? Is this something to watch going into Q2? Only time will tell how this will play out in the imminent future.
It hasn’t yet been disclosed that if a new purchase was in play which enterprise would land the contract. Multiple corporations are in tight competition. As of this time, not a single representative has reached out to The Beartaria Times. I am sure The Beartaria Times would be open to exclusive offers at this time if sales departments were on the cutting-edge of media culture, for they would assuredly be aware of this breaking news.

It would also be highly recommended for printer enterprises to make a generous contribution to The Beartaria Times, that would make them look really cool with ‘The Bears.’ This could also give The Beartaria Times the opportunity to do a one-off box opening video that could gain unprecedented levels of exposure and cultural presence to a trendy printer manufacturer. For those who are reading, it could be yours.

I will do my best to report on updates as this story develops.

Yours on the Trail,

Van Allen Bear

For Printer companies, please use

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Lemons Are One Thing, But Limes?

What on earth do we do with limes?



Next time someone tells you “oh yeah man listen I hate to break it to ya, but all I got for ya are these lemons here see”–take em and run! Could you imagine how worse-off you would be if you had a handful of limes? I mean, come on, before you say, “hey woah man, it’s all good we can make limeade”–No… Listen guy, I ain’t buyin’ it and nobody I’ve ever known drinks something as silly as limeade. 

Lemons are one thing, but limes? 

Any sensible person, any time in history or future

When life gives us lemons, we can make lemonade and maybe we can get ourselves into a lemonade stand. With that lemonade stand we can get ourselves into the market and start making some seed money for, oh I don’t know, a new *bike* or a bigger hat or even pay your CPA $50 for an LLC to begin creating cargo airships out of scrap aluminum… but, limes? We can even collect them and digitally throw them at a bear for hours of entertainment, but limes?

The difference is beyond measure

Come on, what on earth can we do with a lime? Why is everyone so unenthusiastic about the lemons they might receive from life when they should be most worried about the limes lurking in the shade? Literally lurking in the shade! I just don’t get it.

Why had no one told us about the limes? I bought one as a joke at the supermarket once when I was a young man. What a complete and utter waste of money– it sat in my refrigerator for about one-and-a-half-years before I finally threw it away and bought another one. I figured that this was a mercy purchase, because someone, somewhere actually picked a lime and tried to sell it. I mean, come on that’s hilarious to even think someone would purposefully purchase a lime. Lemons all day, man, that makes sense, but limes? Come on. Don’t be kidding yourself. Don’t be kidding me, do I look like a fool? Gimme a handful of lemons and I’m on the dark side of the moon bartering tree seeds to the Chineses in 6 months. But if you really want to insult someone, go out of your way to purchase them a lime. What a disaster that would cause, oh good Heavens. 

Can you imagine, dear readers, someone who may have the gall to comfort you in a time of distraught with the age-old, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I wish someone would say, “alright, hold on. You and I both know lemons are rather acidic, however they have nominal market value when coupled with sugar granules and liquid ice. I know that seems like a little bit, but with fractional transactions and investing over 66% of our profit margins into solar battery research, I could both have a new set of rollerblades AND a new sunroof for my prius. With limes… not so much, guy, lime fruits don’t even form a monophyletic group.”

It’s alright, I’m sure lemons fall short in utility, but limes? Come on, man. Not a chance.

Come on…

Lemons are made out to be the bad-guy here, and I don’t see why. I’m just trying to figure this out. They are used in potpourri, as ornaments, mixed into cocktails (haram), zest in cakes, yellow dyes, added to picnic water, pies, puddings, baked bars, squeezed over fried catfish, lemonade, origami, crypto currency, pigment for painting porches, donkey food, soaps, hotel lotions, earrings, tree ornaments… all kinds of things. Limes… sorry yeah drawing a blank. When life gives you lemons, don’t worry about it, just be glad they weren’t limes.

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Second Aid

The Forgotten Art



Live to Care Another Day

Everyone these days seems to think they’re an expert in First Aid. I get it, everyone wants to be first. Plus, It’s a useful skill, and more than a little bit glamorous. If you think about it, the book series featuring James Bond was almost an exact allegory for the life of an EMT doing first aid. You may be at a fancy dinner one moment, and the next you’re out of your tuxedo and sliding across the hood of your ambulance. The siren parts a sea of vehicles like a cartoon Cars version of Moses as you arrive just in time to diffuse a bomb. A heart attack bomb. Remember when Bond used the defibrillator on himself during a poker game? Classic EMT behavior. 

I’ve been there, I remember the flashing lights, the slack jawed onlookers, the tearful “thank you” of a worried mother. But after you’ve administered First Aid and the glitz and glam wear off, what’s left? What does Mr. Bond do after he’s pulled the confused one legged man out of the Saturn that flipped on its side? If he knew Second Aid, he’d probably lay a blanket across the man’s shoulders, and give him a cup of hot joe. That last part is critical but many have forgotten its importance. That’s why I want to RE-introduce you to Second Aid. 

Naturally, Second Aid comes AFTER First Aid. First Aid is concerned with the immediate steps to address an injury or emergent medical condition, whereas Second Aid is primarily used once the patient is stable and recovering. Of course no one looks down on Second Aid. That’s the problem. I bet you never even think about Second Aid. Going forward, I hope you’ll remember the blanket and the joe, because our ancient relatives sure did.

The Original Dab

Second Aid isn’t a new practice. The art form was very popular in the early 1900s. You may be surprised to learn that it’s been featured in almost too many films to list. You’ve seen it many times, but may never have realized what you were being shown.

One classic element of Second Aid is the “wet rag/forehead dab.” In the 1946 Movie ‘Song of the South,’ a child is running across a field to stop his friend, Uncle Remus, from leaving. In the field was a bull that rushed the child and knocked him unconscious. The viewer is spared the gory details, but the next time you see the boy he is unconscious in his room. His nurse is administering Second Aid by dabbing a wet cloth on his forehead. In addition to the Wet Rag technique in this scene, there is also singing, and story telling. If carried out properly, this miraculous combination usually results in the unconscious patient waking up. 

Song of the South _ 1946

The ‘Head Tilt, Assisted Sip’ was used even in Biblical times, presumably as far back as the Good Samaritan. However, modern advancements have modified this method to include a straw along with the sip which reduced spillage by over 80%. As time went on, nurses began to refine this ancient practice. With the addition of adjusting pillows behind the patient’s back or neck, patient comfort reached new highs that were previously only thought to be theoretical.

In the previous few decades, innovation in this field has sloped off dramatically. Since the innovation of the mechanically adjustable bed in the 1970s, Second Aid has been at a near stand still. Patients are still grateful for the care, but I believe it is time to push the envelope just a little bit further. 

Future of 2nd Aid

B.E.D. Illustrated by My Daughter

The ‘Biomechanically Engineered Device’ or B.E.D. will revolutionize Second Aid and bring it into the new era. With advancements in robotics, we can design a bed that has built in appendages. These appendages can both dab the forehead as it serves chilled beverages. It will, of course, be cross-compatible with the traditional cup/straw combo. 

With the replacement of the bedside nurse, we will open up space in the hospital room for another innovation: the Bedside Orchestra. After rewatching Song of the South, I was touched by the resonant melodies between the voices of the singers and the orchestral soundtrack in the film. Instinctually, I know that harmonious melodies tuned at 432cycles will aid in faster patient recovery and a higher positivity rating for the hospital.

These steps will help with “Iratus Patientitis” which affects currently about 12% of all patients over 56 years old. According to a comment on a question that was posted anonymously at, that’s nearly 5 million people in just the United States alone. A patient afflicted with “Iratus Patientitis” will throw 3.4 bedpans full of urine at nurses, causing the positivity rating of hospitals to dip quite severely. With an orchestra in the hospital room playing harmonies worthy of an Elizabethan land owner, relief of this condition will be immediate and long-lasting. We can expect to see Patientitis levels (as well as bed pans about to be thrown) drop dramatically. 

Second Aid may continue to play second fiddle to First Aid for now, but for those of us who have had our fill of the glory that comes with administering emergency oxygen, Second Aid is a fantastic field in which to “retire”. It is, after-all, where most of the healing actually takes place. When we care for our patients and make them comfortable, perhaps one day we will wake up and realize it was US that were healed. 


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